the wishing well

hello readers of this blog , hello i know i have just been posting poem after poem . i have not had a conversation with you . how have you been ? what has been going on in your life ? the most intriguing part of having this venue is that i have control , if you respond , i do not know . it is most interesting when someone tries to open your brain up and plays inside . it is very stimulating , but this is for another place .
what i really want to talk about is wishing wells , i have not thrown pennies in i have thrown dimes, a wish for those i care about  , is it silly perhaps , did i still do it yes . it is who i am to wish for others , so i can lead them to happiness .i found out i can lead a horse to water but i cannot  make it drink . well that is my grey , tasty matter just felt like venting , it is nice to know that the people in my life( care ,) those who have left , i will give you a dime so you can throw it in your wishing well and your dreams can come true . toss it

cak 12/11/2010

ww

teeth and stars

TEETH AND STARS


The clown stalks his prey, laughing like a lunatic

The distant light of humiliation sounds of agony

Slice through the patterns of lunacy

I am forever he whispers

To the very he that he is

To say it, is to become it .the sisters of the night, gather

For the dance of destruction

He sits alone, the fear crippling him to overshadow him.

His eyes open, the crimson, to touch, to feel, to see

Does he know the secret that are kept silent except on the winged vigilant and his mass sorrow

The circus lullaby plays reminding the senseless that the tiger is coming

Close your eyes and see, that he is not what he was he is more, but becoming less

He knows nothing

Fading away into the night, his breath takes on images that no one can possible understand

His reflection is unfamiliar

Strange becoming stranger

Fading until gone

Confetti with no sense of purpose

Except to be discarded

Carrie Ann kawa 10/2002

thought it was apt

run cherry silver

RUN CHERRY SILVER


She walks down the street, like the world owes her something

Never content to just be

Turning the corner, she finds a problem in every sky

An emotional roller coaster ride is a tribute to the crisis she is in.

Snapping that gum, tight jeans with a wayward smile

Angry, chasing a taste of fire

Tattooed with doubts, and self loathing

Running away only to hit a brick wall

The demons of a childhood nightmare

Play upon her as if she was an instrument for their abusive song

Coffee and cigarettes’ are her motto- second nature as breathing

She will never know how special she is

She is the dog that gets kicked and goes back to lick your master

When will you stop running, face the demons and end the war

Worn out is how she feels

Beautiful and complicated

Angry and sad

Tortured by her own gift of sight

She feels like nothing and gives you back the same

Carrie Ann kawa 8 /2000

the blue angel

THE BLUE ANGEL


(Spoken by timothy)

She sang to me, sleeping in despair

Her stained glass silhouette on the lighted moon

My touch of sadness and her starlight light seemed to play those of a different color beat

Her soul wings caressed my bitterness

It renewed me

She took me to a church, old never new, it was in ruined

It was not a conventional religion that lived here, not man made fear of god, devil divine, soulless society pathway

This was different, a sad lullaby

Played the dogma with symbols of something that perplexes my mind

She undressed herself, stood naked there was no secret here, only truth

I fell to my knees, in complete awe of her, she went to me.

She stood back up, I was her equal to her she made me understand that

We kissed and there was nothing that existed but her

Time was an illusion, forever was a concept, now was real

We danced until the song was over and it never

Ended

Carrie Ann kawa 11/2002

who i am

WHO I AM


Cosmic flood, this who I am,

Thoughts start to form and I know who I am

My words go on different transformation of my thought patterns

You have to be the one that kisses the tears; you have to be the one that lets me be who I am really is

Storms gather in my eyes and the wind starts

You are my temptation,

You want to lose yourself in my kiss, I will let you, but you have to come back to me

I will sing my song only for you, only for you

I want you to know me; I will tear myself apart for you to see

And in the micro cosmoses of my mind, I will tear you apart and transform you into what you have always wanted, what you always need to be, but so scared to let it show

I will deliver wings onto you and make you fly

Taste my lips, sweet, only for you, only for you

The rhythm in your body, matching mine, but different in its own making

I am poison for other; they want to control and bring me to a level of common place

This is not who I am, I am forever, I am always

You come to me on bended knees

Carrie Ann kawa 11/16/2010

Inspired by what is between us

Royland

cherry silver confession

CHERRY SILVER CONFESSION


I do not know who I am

Journeys become quest

I sit here in the dark rock myself back to reality

I blame my heart for beating

The rhythm of the truth of my soul trying to come out

My dreams are of demons and cherry pits

Vision of others death and I find where buried

I do not know myself enough to understand

I am screaming for someone to tell me

I am real I am something

When I feel like nothing a speak of dust

That’s floats on the wind

When I am here I am not there and the other way works

The confession that my minds conjures up is devastating

I am not sure what is real and what is chasing me

I am afraid of the light to see me

The refection is disturbed and not quite right

I see what I want even when I don’t want too

Pray to the fates and welcome the evil on my knees confession to myself

Carrie Ann kawa 3/2007

Dark City Soundtrack 01 - Sway

storm

Storm


I have walked a thousand miles, too get here

I have walked a thousand years, too get here

You have waited for me, you have craved me

Worshipped me from the distant that you are

Time takes on strange illusions of not being real, almost tangible

You have looked inside my soul as I have done to yours

Tell me, what you found

I have opened myself up to you as you have done to me

Tracing my lips with your thumb , kissing me with a longing that you were unaware of , whispering to me we will build kingdoms’ in your honor

I will take you to the brink of existent and bring you back in.

I want you to walk with me, bring the storm; I want you to kiss me in forbidden places

And always be mine

Carrie Ann Kawa

11/07/2010

for ROYLAND   who has appreciated that he has become an inspiration , and knows that is a scared place to me .

shadow lady

SHADOW LADY


Her body is tattooed with scars and butterflies and symbols only she knows what they mean

Men have cut open their bodies and bleed for her name, and sacrifice their souls for her love

Stars die at the beat of her heart

You will always find her sitting in a dusty corner of an empty room

Somewhere, someplace it matters not

Dreaming of her, obsessed to find god

She is neither the beginning nor the end

She is the story that is in-between the writing on the wall

Secrets, whispers in the dark the eyes that watch you

She smells forbidden, of exotic flowers

To look in her eyes, you will never be the same

Lost and confused, walking somewhere

Lost in her own thoughts of miracles and transformation of the flesh

An art she masters in, the body she has mutilated, the art she has created

Leaving the victims wishing for more

Carrie Ann kawa 4/1997

cak 1/1994

the name is wind

The Name is wind


I am the babe in your cyber- punk fantasy

Tattooed and deadly, bio-enhanced, chemical-entranced

For your demented pleasure.

You know the subroutine

I am brilliant as you knew I would be

Reality is of my own design.

I will not let your hands get dirty

Try all your tricks on me

I can be your slave and master

I have worked this place before

Awkward, shy, strange, little boys

First it is all about the sex

Then you let me start to peel away the exterior levels

To the meat, finding all the juices

What really turns you on?

Sometimes they survive, but not all

I am like a virtual-reality vampire

Sucking their inner most disturb, derange, thoughts dry

Playing with like a dime store toy

Pointing out their imperfections

Somewhere, faraway, I am jacked-in

My brain surfing, looking for victims

I can play any game

So log on to my web, so we can have some fun—Carrie Ann kawa 9/1998

cak 1/1994

feeling dark

sub plot of who i am , wicked with an angel smile .
i am looking for a sense of me in these dirty streets , taken pictures of strangers ,in a strange light of a new day .
they all wear the same expression ---- defeat
they wear the same smell ------ depression
the night holds my promise , the night knows my name , a weird wind starts to blow through my hair , it has a chill , and  a feel of a lovers kiss .
i smile into it and  welcome it
there is a change , a subtle movement of time , i like the feel of it because it feels like it is my time
rain ..... starts and i start to dance slow movements , hands moving to conjor the magic in the air
lights start to blow out
and i am feeling a little dark

typhoid mary and daredevil -- i feel is apt

Carrie Ann kawa  10/14/2010   written in 2 min    : )

when the sun

When the sun ……


I have enter into a different realm of meaning of thought

I want to make you a new, take away your pain

Suffer onto me; make me goddess of your world

You want me

Kiss my inner world, of walls of torment

Between us is a concept of time and reality, mere mortals cannot exist here

I have let you in, know it is scared here and I gave you a key

You can play coy, you can run and hide, but I know you want me to find you

You will get lost inside my world

I will seduce you into becoming … mine

Eating small bites of your soul, consuming you

When the moon …….

Carrie Ann Kawa 10/11/2010

Dedicated to royland

DO YOU THINK OF ME

DO YOU THINK OF ME


When you walk down that dark street, do you think of me?

When you dream of all that blood, do you think of me?

When you touch my leftovers, do you think of me?

When you think of your next victim, do you think of me?

Were you at my vigil, my requiem mass?

Did you read my eloquent autopsy report, or the news paper article, did that give you more?

Then you touched upon my very soul

Did they realize how you mentally tortured me and let me chase freedom, only to have it taken away from me?

When my picture was on television, did you think of yourself?

Were you proud of yourself is that why you kept me alive or so long, so you enjoy the celebrity states of your demented ways.

When they found me rotten to the bone, did you think of me?

How pretty I was, what my smile looked like, oh how you transformed me.

You took the light away from me and made it all go dark

Now I think of you, how you never sleep and when you do I am there.

Your days and nights belong to me

When you think of me, how we both consume each other now.

Carrie Ann kawa

04/2008

break my wings , and let me fall

i can only , and yet not always too much to take and so much to fake
i wish you understood this strange disguise
so tainted , below the line of the reality of who i am
i am more then you can possible know , more then i will ever show
i blind you with my light and let you suffer in the dark while i lead you back
closing my eyes and sleeping beyond the mere dreams of man
this is who i am ,words come out of me and its my only weapon against the forces to be
you see the one that jokes for the kill , cares for the sick and depraved
wondering beyond the life of which i know

Carrie Ann kawa 9/26/2010

Elvis Costello - I want you

the blazing sun at midnight

THE BLAZING SUN AT MIDNIGHT


She stalks the night looking for prey, as if a snake encased her soul

The streets echo her scarlet heels

A warning for others to stay away

The lights of city--- drown out the starlight

The sidewalk still holds the heat from the sun that has passed

Neon Jesus in front of a flesh peddler

She rips a dollar in little pieces

Cursing the three wise men

She cuts their throat with her dagger-- of a thousand names --whispering in their ears there is no justice like that of the blade and the mind

Hold not unto thee and we know the truth lies on the altar of our own making

Carnival sounds in the wind

Her black clock catches on the same wind

She fades into the night like a dark whisper

The sound of her scarlet heels echoes

Birds flapping their wings in the darkness of night

The light that shines comes from

Everywhere

Carrie Ann kawa 5/2006

i have no name

I HAVE NO NAME


I am standing here

Waiting for the sun to rise

The cold from the night has crypt into my very self and left behind the harsh truth of the shadows that follow me

All is the nothing I know

What I am, I have questioned

He watches me from afar, deep in his blues and thoughts

I am aware of him

In my minds eyes a fantasy approaches me

He walks towards me and covers my eyes, I fall to my knees

This is not submission; this is what it it’s not.

He will never get that close, he sees me for what I am unapproachable

A distant unforgiving person

In his voyeuristic view are eyes meet

This is not the romantic notion of sensitivity

This is cold as we know the purpose of one another

Only the night covers his stealth

He surprises me standing right next to me; his hand touches mine, a brush of fate

He whispers words of such –to me that only I can comprehend

I put my hands to his eyes only to find out his eyes have been pecked out by birds of prey

He speaks more profound “we are what we set out to be “

He takes out a silver dagger ---it seems to sing

Evil that has a sound of its own

Slit his wrist with such a casualness that it seems normal common place

Dipping his finger deep into the maroon

Placing that same bloody finger on my forehead

Making the cross

Going off into the night

I will find his bones picked clean from scavengers of the flesh of one that has no name

I will take his skull and polish it until a spark comes back to eyes that have been pecked away

Dawn is breaking, and the brighter it gets the more my eyes start to hurt while my soul aches

When the sun is overhead and the light is intense

I find myself in the middle of the desert of nowhere, naked except for the cross



Carrie Ann Kawa

7/2006

Kevin Gilbert - Kashmir

where i am at -------------------------

The persistent of memory  Salvador Dali

i am in the spiral of real and non reality , where i look at myself in the mirror and there is something behind my eyes , hiding , waiting to come out , i am not sure what will  emerge something dangerous , and yet she is lethal with her words and gentle with touch . in ways the true me not afraid of what others think of her , crazy , " special " words because other get scared because of my random smile . my weirdness is an acquired taste .   i will create a winter to unmask you forever you will never know what i did to you  i found my rhythm , i found my weapon of choice ------ words   my words  unlimited supply of run on sentence , and improper verb usage my rules and i never play fair  i cheat and tease until i win and i always do --- you may not  like the set up you may not like the rules , but i do not care  , i will unleash unto you  the wrath and when all is said and done you are better for the massacre i put you through in my insidious nature .


see what come out when i listen to music  


right off the cuff while i was studying   the true mark of a multitask er   cak 

Toy Matinee - Turn it on Salvador

nameless travler

NAMELESS TRAVLER


I have been here so long

My name has been misplaced and forgotten

In the timeless style of discarding the past for a semi- better future

If it exists in the same micro cosmos, in which it does not, at least that is my understanding

Of co-existing in this world

Giving up before you even contemplated the game

Watching them interact, watching them phase in and out of life, nothing eyes

Of the future –steel heart made of glass

I ask the saints my name they looked at me with anger and distain

That bothered me, long after the saints left and collected the dues of religious favor

“I bowered a soul “is what the blind man said to me, I asked, the man whose eyes left before he could define what color the world is why?

He stared at me with such a look of bemusement and simply replied “because someone left it behind

I wondered for a brief moment if it was mine since in the same fashion I left my name someplace

As if he picked that thought out of my head, “this is not your soul; it belongs to a man who gave up everything to feel nothing

The man left so as not to begin again

My feet take me to a church – of sorts

Dressed up like a palace gold and silver adornments statues of religious icons

As the desuetude wait outside, with still that nothing

A man dressed in a suit holds a black book

Pray onto his name, bring him into your heart let him know your suffering, you’re hungry

You have no homes to go back to

Reach up touch the gold feet of your savior; let him feed your soul

They are weakened, hands pray until blood encases their palms and eyes from crying knees bruised from kneeling

As the used car sales man told them to do

He looks at me, I am an intruder here

He calls out brother will you take him into you, will you know his light

Say it unto him; I say nothing. I feel whatever I say would not be right only my silence holds more than words

I left the church of not my problems trying to find my name, for a brief moment I feel it has been taken, but that feeling has passed

Again I walk until I get to where I am going



Carrie Ann kawa 3/2006

its called walking man  i found it on yahoo in a way it fits

unfair brain activity

tattered    cak

i am trying to forget wonder wall , and get over this school girl crush like a normal women does which is fine and dandy , and i have been doing my flirting , the more i have no thoughts about him and i start to realize i am good . the dreams come back in full techno color , random dreams of him  why ?  i have convinced myself that he thought i was an ugly troll that lived under a bridge , he thought of me  never and if he did i made him sick to his stomach , i needed to think that , to get over the crush  but now in my dreams he comes through  -why ? it does not seem to be fair , and why him i have guys hit on me all the time , decent guys  , since he does not like me why get all messed up over him  , now yes he did inspire me in which the artist in me is very grateful but he is incapable of ever be attracted to me , i do not fit in his world , told to me by others 


underworld thank you for my venting it makes me feel better     until------   later  cak 

what a true kiss is

hello my underground , i have been distant  giving you poems and not any news , well i start school again on 8/25/2010  i had a blissful two months off which was filled by closing hours at work  . i have been pondering that mystery called love , that seems to ex scape me every chance it gets , i can understand if i was a troll but i am not but i seem to like the wrong guys , emotional unavailable,  well lets get on point .

i crave a true kiss one that will last forever " if that is even out there " when  he looks into my eyes and knows that he is home  , when he hugs me  that he always wanted me in his arms  , the kind of kiss you can feel in your feet , when he takes his thumb and traces my lips , and kisses like i am the one he has been waiting for but to afraid to realize i was there , and before you think i have lost my mind . i believe we are allowed to have that  that kiss , the kiss that makes the world stop and its just right no pressure to the lead up just that wonderful look into each other eyes and then  it all becomes a blurr we fade into each other until -----------

cak 8/06/2010

BLUEMONDAY: the messenger

BLUEMONDAY: the messenger: "The messenger The fire from his flame, lit up his face Deeply inhaling, the smoke surrounded him giving him a snake The evil that surr..."

the messenger

The messenger


The fire from his flame, lit up his face

Deeply inhaling, the smoke surrounded him giving him a snake

The evil that surrounded him stained him

Black oil that are his eyes

Darkness that looks back at you

Suffocating you, as you drown in his stench

He hides in light, in the plainness of it all

Giving off the vibe of ordinary and nothing else

You do not realize until he is upon you, that the screams escape your mouth, and your blood splatters unto his face, and the last thing you see is a smile of the massacre

The sheer joy of chaos and carnage

He skins you alive, death seems like a welcome

The last thing you come to know before death embarrass

Is that your heart has been removed, grabbed out of your chest like a lovers revenge

In the space of a wink, your part of the torture is done, pain has ceased, no more screams

On the other side your remains will be used in rituals and other such demonic reign

Words of displacement transpire

Spoken by cruel lips, placed on your soul, a messenger of god

The war for humanity is forewarn

Bear not the witness foreseen as to the messenger

Carrie Ann kawa 2/2006

walking in the heat

the day takes me on strange journeys and i find myself in the mix of crazy. wondering what will happen next , who will start up the random conversation with me and then look at me like i have all the answers . that has been my two weeks reality taking on strange disguise of a dream like world  i know that is hard to understand but it is the truth in a way. sometimes as a writer you see things different then others and they look at you with a look of puzzlement your either crazy ,or in some ways enlightened , i find myself neither just Carrie no more no less . this bother some some i am no more then the sum of my parts , but that does not mean my parts or no more then the sum of me a circle of sorts on a strange journey . why is it strange ? because my life has never been normal that's not to state that anyone life is normal but mine is filled with the unusual and i am all the stranger for the ride

later underworld   don't let the heat of this summer beat you down

in the trenches

IN THE TRENCHES


He made the fates walk with him

In the most primary of ways, humming in euphonious

To summon the power ones own self

One the right arm, the light barrier, himself, fallen as the angel

Ancient language woven in strange designs all over his body

On the left the fire of the son, into which we know only the written text of such

Feet bare, walking on glass, heat from the storm has come to destroy us all

He holds up his hands to pray to the coming night

As we understand the moon is in her new way shows no light for him

In the darkness that has come, he stands alone

Praying to only the god he knows

The man of bitter and lies and self sacrifice

Cries tears of blood

An image of the Virgin Mary shows herself to him

She shows the signs of stigmata

This confused him, she whispers in voices of another time

He thought this was a part of a transgression because he wanted to transition

To one plan of existence to another

The vision passed, he was left with blood stains all over himself as if she cried on him and her tears were shards of glass, which was the truth

The night left, and the day came with vengeance

The sun blaring on him with such intensity,

He walked and walked hoping he would be found

Nothing came

He walked into city, that was empty except for the ghost and the dust that took home here

He came across a mural

The colors dulled by age, but the art did not lie it was truth seen by the artist eye

An angel with wings of black and hair to match, naked, hands crossed on her belly

She was destruction

And he found the image of love

He will walk until he finds her



Carrie Ann kawa 7/10/2010

ANAKA AND TIMOTHY

ANAKA AND TIMOTHY


Tragedy turned into obsession

Obsession turned into legend

Their love fused a power

That was unimaginable

They became something new

The tangible to intangible

He wanted her to be the stars, she wanted him to infinity

A heat so strong came from their kiss

As he touched her face and she melted into his arms

They turned into wisdom, legend, light and infinity

Firelight stories, the whisper in the night of a love that knew no boundaries

When a cold storm comes out of nowhere it whispers Anoka

A fire wind of dust and mayhem

Its vengeance in all its raw

In time and space, they were always meeting on other plans of existing

With a love so intensified, that worlds no know power of their kind

They are one, and not

Beyond the concept of what is know



Carrie Ann kawa 7/7/2010

the end ...... the beginning

its almost over  , and then it begins again  , like everything in life the end is never the end it just changes shape
like universal matter ,  what we are , is what we are until we change ,  i am a star exploding , then i will dwarf change into a black hole and consume light .

sorry got deep there  when my thoughts get away from me it all is a blurr

i will have two months to relax my mind until i throw myself into  my third year  how time flys  when your busy , when you pine for someone , when you laugh , and when you cry , ahhh emotional  torment what would we be without it

some musing for my underground
sleep until the dream you have is a reality

time stops for no one , but you can stop the clock now and then

love at first site  kills you in the end , because the illusion is a knife and the blade is Sharp and  wanting blood

to know something  is wonderful, to act upon it is brave , to keep it to yourself  is smart

we are in the looking glass , i chased the white hair , i drank the tea , i played with a flamingo and i danced upon the back of a turtle and watch the world fade from site
goodnight  underworld   until ...............

truth

TRUTH


The heat from the desert was devastating

Wavy lines of constant disregard

Shatter your life

I saw you, simply and true

A desperado, losing site of oneself

You having no right, to not understand how it all works

The selfishness you display is cowardly

I have walked a path that you have only seen in glimpse at dusk, unaware of your shadow

Disconnected from real, living not for the moment, but what is yet to come

The destiny of others is not your concern and yet you interfere in the process

You think you know yourself, but in truth your insecurity permeate the air

You want to believe your own dogma, but it comes off weak

The loneliness of sleeping alone becomes unbearable

You want to suffer for the sake of suffering and the bitterness shows deeply

Do you know what true suffering is, when your heart is so broken nothing can fix it and only a pain so deep is left , and that you will  know forever

You say things that I want to hear you look at me from afar you keep me at arms link and forget that I exist

In truth ---- you know nothing of what you did

Child, it is your nature and will always be

Carrie Ann kawa 6/26/2010  

happy birthday

well another year  ,  and the older i get the more , stupid i become , does that make any sense at all. i still have the crush , why, he is gone and still there is a part of my mind that tells me something . i do not get it for my style that is abstract to say the least , i am a very practical person .with him i don't know ? OK good vent  to all the people that wished me a happy birthday thank you  . to my mom this was always more her day then mine i was special to her i do not say this in vanity , i say this because it is plan and simple truth . she would go over every detail of my birth and smile with such a smile that know one would every understand . so i will be happy for her and joyful with everyone else 

i just turned three  cak

to this she held me in her arms and said i always wanted a baby girl  Carrie Ann after the song  my little lamb and she would rub my back at night and tell me to go to sleep to this day i feel her hand on my back , in the back round Elton john or Motown would play , and my mom would call me cake Ann , she always said i would wake up and not cry and when she came in to check me i would be up and smiling and she never knew what i was smiling about ,


good night my underworld  until

the poet blurred

images of me fade in the eyes of others and i am no where

who am i , what will i become
child questions out of a mouth of an adult


the poet blurred 

carrie ann kawa    6/17/2010

how do you like me now

well  i have a new look  , hope you like it.   my life to say the least has been very strange and i know i say that a lot but these last two weeks have been weird really weird  guys have been hitting on me , left and right , my friend has been depressed not sis  she has her wings , and to top it all off  i just , i was asking a question to someone about someone and the song creep comes on the radio which no more then a few min ago i was telling someone else about that song weird to me yes  so i am not going to go any further my birthday is coming up i will try to enjoy it  6/23/  and the only musing i have is from a very awesome artist         BILL S   i first saw this pic in rolling stone back in the early 90,s and i still have it in my scrap book and i always said the man who likes this and gets it will be the one for me so i am still sticking with that

cak   out   later underworld

THE CITY OF NONSENCE

THE CITY OF NONSENSE


THE SKY WAS PERFECT FOR WHEN THE UNFORGIVEN CAME

BLUE WITH A TOUCH OF CLOUDS RAIN ON THE HORIZON

HE CAME INTO THE TOWN OF NONSENSE WITH SUCH A DILBERT SENSE OF PURPOSE

HE STOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF NONSENSE WITH HANDS ON HIPS , SCRUTINIZING THE TOWN

THE THREE SISTER CHOIR COULD NOT SING THEIR LEAD VOICE WAS TAKEN BY DEATH AND LEFT HER OFF NOTE

THE CLOWN THAT WAS CYNICAL , TURNED SELF LOATHING AND CRIED TEARS OF BLOOD, AND SMEARED HIS RED LIPS UNTIL HE LOOKED LIKE A WORN OUT WHORE AND THEN HE PROCLAIMED DEATH UPON HIMSELF

WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE DO NOT KNOW

THE TOWN WAS LAYED IN MEANING AND CONTENT ----A DEAD END

CITY OF NO HISTORICAL MEANING

MURALS OD SHOWGIRLS AND ANIMAL TAMERS

OLD CLOCKS AND CROSSES WITH NEON SIGNS SELLING JESUS AND ELVIS

MUSICIANS LAYED WASTED FOR THE TASTE OF THE MODERN WHICH HAS NO TASTE AT ALL EXCEPT THE TASTE OF CORPORATE GREED

SELLING MAGIC IN NONSENSE

ITS AN ILLUSION LOVE IS SOLD IN THE HOUSE OF CARDS THAT EVENTUAL FALL

EVERYTHING WE ARE , OR CHOOSE TO BE IS NEVER WRITTEN LIKE THE POETS SAID

CAK

ITS STILL UNDETERMINED WE ARE WHAT WE WANT WHEN WE NEED TO BE

UNFORGIVEN ---CAME TO SUCH A TOWN AND LAID HIS HAT DOWN AND THE REST IS WRITTEN IN THE PAGES OF LIFE

CARRIE ANN KAWA 6/12/2010

the gift

hello my dear friends of the underworld , how is the place where the soul lives forever in the mind of the true , going.
i have come to realize i walk among the strange and very happy to be in that world , i would not want it any other way
my friends bring me music it is truly wonderful to have this in my life , Damian everyday shares his Beatles with me anyone who knows me knows i love the Beatles , well i listen to my guitar gently weeps , and i let my mind wonder with all the best music you let thoughts form and you go with the flow with and let the current of sound take you someplace , well as you all know i have been trying to ( with no avail ) to get wonder wall far from my thoughts to let this crush die , and every time i hear that song i picture him with that beautiful guitar playing , finding those right notes sitting in the dark with ( blue boxer on ?) and its driving me crazy  not really just brain why truly , why are you doing this to me , and of course when i talk to myself which i do often i shrug my shoulders and give me no reply so that is what is going on kind of other then my thoughts of wonder wall  i have been most busy with school  7/03/2010  i will graduate with my associates in business the ceremony not until October , but again what can you do  its bitter sweet  i want my mom to be there  but as you all know she can not be , and it hurts very badly , my fantasy would have her scream that's my baby girl because she would scream that  but that is not going to happen .

but on a good note  i will start more poems next week  i just have not gotten to my box of words

so some Carrie musing
when you do not notice , some one does
art  in all its form is a type of magic that is out there right now .
when we speak words form and that is a transformation of thought
we are the wonder that cannot be denied
until next week  underworld    keep the door open , the window clear and enjoy the day as it turns into night

my moonlight dance

he would take me to unknown
kiss me no where
fall into an abyss
tread in the thoughts of his mind
know me with out the use of words
look into my eyes and know i am his forever
if he ask me to wait , i would wait
there is no reason , to this madness no understanding of what it all means
confusion , comes up from somewhere and i am lost in a sea of doubt
he makes me doubt myself, he makes me miss him , he is unaware of all this and yet i do not care this is out of my control , this is something i don't understand
i want to touch his hand , so he can feel the vibe i am sending out
for he is lost in his own land i am just a nothing thought of his kind

carrie ann kawa  6/03/2010

well dear readers i just wrote  that in less then 5 min and its all about what is on my mind
you know  it comes to the point i want to purge him out 
points  i think i saw too much into it
when some one says you look angelic it means nothing
if you stop and stare it means nothing
you know what who cares anymore , and it doesn't matter since no one knows what this means 

i will just be quiet  now for awhile  

readers of this blog  enjoy  my tasty brain matter i have enough of it to go around,
let my words take you on a journey and do not take my life from them use them as you see fit , i want you take my words to deep dark places where only the moon shines , and read them to someone special, and find your self in a moment that seems familiar and yet it is not , deep inside my well of thought and pull me toy with me , make me write , give me substance of meaning , i will give you back something -of wonder

cak  --- i always say when you look into my eyes there a storm coming .

goodnight     cak

its a new day

well  what has the CAK been up too not much , i have been thinking about my star crossed lovers  anaka ( the ice queen ) and timothy jacob ( our cowboy , vengence seeker , man of mystery, desert nomad ) and i wonder like any writer what happen when you two met  , if you dont talk to them then you will never no as a writer you talk to them even if you never write it down . soo i wonder anaka  was not sure about him and he was even less sure about her , i wonder why ? and to my querry she said he was to close to me to see him , i did not what this met , she simple put it another way we were to much a like to really see each other so we had to keep are distant untill that seperation hurt , if that makes any sense  which it did in a way  . well i will leave you with that bit of tasty grey matter  . until

fade

i never understood what is in the mind and hearts of others i only wrote my view of them .
i sat not in judgement but in curiosity about them and placed them on a table to pick a part and in my mind it was ok what i assumed about them , or what i felt for them out there and still now i do not apologize it is my form of reality , obscured , unusual, dream like in the essence of of my mind .

those out there i wrote about i thank you deeply for being my muse , and those of you that read what i wrote and don't get it well  there is nothing i chose to do about it. it is what it is

at my school --cak

next week poems  , this week blogging for the sake of seeing my words out there , remember  my readers i am still on a journey of self discover , i take you for a ride with me i let you taste my grey matter , and no you like the taste of sweet ,  into the mystic  van Morrison just popped into my head nothing to do with anything i said 

good night 

losing my ........

well it will be two years since my mom has past , and it has been ,what can you say no one will ever know what me and mike went through words are inadequate to illustrate that experience . most likely i will not blog about it for awhile , i miss her , i miss her sense of humor , her nightmares , the way she like peppers and eggs on an onion roll, how she would eat ice cream like it was going to get banned , the way she loved seal , she was my mom and no one will every take her place , now do not get me wrong we had our problems , but as she would always say i was her cake always and forever .

OK underworld  it s close 5weeks until my graduation and the ceremony is not until October then in September i start the university of Phoenix for my BA , is this what i set out for in life not really i wanted to ...... its not important , some one ask me will i still write , its in my blood its what i know about myself the most that i write , and no one can take that away from me .

on other issues it remains to be seen " you never know " what ever that is suppose to mean -----

underworld  it is good to know you exist to read this and take it on a journey as i do to others no one day with out me being aware of the fact i will watch one of you and then write it down in a strange and odd way .

thor -- how can you go wrong with thor

until   underworld

the city of shadows

cak

the lights flicker as if they not suppose to exist
moonlight on a darken path
i stop to take a picture
i catch a glimpse of a reality that no one sees

i stop at a church, my camera cannot capture it , the light of the blind keep it secrets
there is a certain silence
that i find unnerving and yet i know it has a meaning
in that one moment, of complete silence
my mind runs past it all
 from numbers and words to the complexity of the human condition
of words said and not said
and what it all means
then it all is just quiet there i found myself in the moment
and let it all go
it seems so useless, all my random thoughts
 my journey begins with one step, one word , one truth
the light fades completely and then i find myself in the dark
i continue o walk
taking off my shoes to feel the sidewalk, cold , uneven, hardness, slab of grey
i feel the vibration
a tale untold, an equation unsolved, a kiss not yet received
all in all , thoughts , and the night ,
my home

carrie ann kawa   5/23/2010

this is what happens when you walk by yourself with a camera not only do my thoughts wonder so does my art i have never would call my pics art just the way i see the world  on face book if you are a friend and i think you are now unless you pass by my blog just to read the random thoughts of the strange and unusual Carrie and if you are a trespasser hi whats up and if you know me this should come as no surprised , because  as a poet we are suppose to see the world in are view then write about it EVEN IF IT IS A RUN ON SENTENCE  that is for oh he knows who he is  i never said i was good with English rules just painting a picture with my words. i found it funny when he brought it up My comp  instructor pointed out the same thing and she also gave me a song by the birds and bees to give to a certain crush , funny how that circle goes well i went off on a tangent and made no sense in the process , poem was inspire by my walks at night alone , and thinking to much and trying to take a picture of a certain church with no avail but hey underworld we do what we need to do 

goodnight   sis   keep strong
goodnight   wonderwall  keep pointing out what i do wrong , for some odd reason i like it , it keeps me on my toes  lol 
goodnight underworld   for the moon is our sun  until

do i feel real

i looked up to the sky and the clouds, in the rain in which i know

cak

transcending and yet i am here in the face of mortality
am i real
what is real, what i do or what i say does it have any impact on anything
my blood hits the floor, it pools into a strange design
and i play at being pragmatic, its just blood on the floor , of reason and not to which i know
it was a symbol of something beyond me
the patterns', the knot of knowledge i have come to respect
to know nothing of nothing of which  i came
the face in the mirror is a reflection of someone who is lost and yet found in the same breath
how should i feel..... lost in my own grand design of fate
the music of a piano playing lightly in the distant, brings me to tears
on the wind of a lullaby
and yet i am real
life fades into that darkness so easily
in my own mind
would i be missed ?
and yet those questions that i can never answer .............
the sun shines when the clouds part and i go towards the light
the melody stills plays on the wind

carrie ann kawa  5/2010


so dear underworld trolls like myself how are you today do you find your self in the mess of it all wishing for someone to deliver you from the cosmic nothingness and give you that kiss that one kiss that you feel in your toes and travels down your spine and you look into each other eyes and the world does not even exist ---yeah me tooo  

goodnight

well well well

i find my self in a strange place of late which dear reader of this blog should be nothing unusual , yesterday was mothers day and well i cried then i went to my faithful friend the radio when i want random i just turn the dial and let the wave of whatever hit me and it started with the wallflowers  " one headlight " forget about it tears would not stop rolling and then tiny dancer and it was all emotion , then songs that remind me of him " the crush " you infect me  i really thought if i don't see him then it would be over  noooooooo, why should it be this is me why cant i be detached most people are so back and forth my momsie songs and wonder wall , i just love torture , that being said , i plan to just study  study study study , and forget men exists because i have no luck with them what so ever  i am ever so the troll under the bridge a cute , smart , troll but one non the less  , now if i was not choosy this would not be the problem i just want someone that dose not want me , his lost that is what i will tell my self forever ,,  now on to bright stuff   life is good and complicated at the same time i am at the bus stop at 2;50 am ad does not care what time it is and i notice a no trespass sign at the bus stop this felt strange to me are we not all trespasser at the bus stop does any one know who getting on or going off , in point no one belongs there it temporary , as in life we go on to the next we never stay behind to find out what happens there , so in essence when we walk , go the park hike a trail we are trespassing on life because it is only temporary we are only meant to see a fraction of that life before we go on but what if we were to stay what then what would we see , watching life with out being a part of it now i know your going to think out loud and say don't people do that on an everyday basis  yes but they chose not to exists i am talking about watching , very different how people interact with each other how they play their emotional games , what are they thinking , as a writer that's what i do i trespass on humanity, watching them trying to understand them  writing their stories down with out them knowing , it makes you wonder who watches me?

shy of the vally of fire

clive barker more then apt 

here i walk alone
i cannot walk with the like of mankind, they do not understand me
a vigilante with my feelings
i take with a deep vengeance, to guard myself shielding every inch of my soul
never to expose the true me
of which is still a mystery
when i emerge from the cocoon of doubt
how will i be
a deep fire of rawness with an edge and aconfidence of a hero
or with ice eyes, a killer with my tongue
showing no mercy
cutting down my enemies and anyone that stands in my way
to see into the future that seems like a far off dream
it will be both dangerous and beautiful
to hold a flower and shatter a diamond
to look into the soul of my true love
and cut the throats of anyone that talks ill of my choosen one
i have at times to conjure my own demons that come slashing at me
i need to stand up to that part of my self
bring it back and form a new
i will ride the night and take back what everyone took from me
and then what will they see

carrie ann kawa  12/2006

ease my mind

bluesky of night wind   cak

when i looked it was no more what i said got lost in the wind of my forgotten thoughts , i thoght it would be ....

i tried to say all i needed to say but somehow it all slamed me in the face , and there is no turning back everything i am is wraped up in that one emotion , sadness is the ony true emotion we can have , it speaks to us in ways that have truth of meaning in the substance of human vanity that we are and i lack the will to try and fight for which i will lose

not of me and such a way is is wrong i turned to see you already gone and with who you are you leave it all behind , in a neat way , in a way that you know what it all means

i looked at the sky and the wind was in her high glory and i was in my element , i only thought of you and that gave me no comfort for which i am

carrie ann kawa   5/03/2010

what i wanted to say

my mouth felt glued today , i wanted to say hello but the words never exscaped me , i wanted to ask did you get my note , did it mean anything , did you even care , i wanted to ask you do you think i am foolish like a child to even approching you with that awkward smile and the lack of what i can offer to the table , then  i thought i am me and that is never going to change i might lose weight , change my hair , get my degree , but all that to me is never going to change the core of me , i am crazy when i want , i laugh when it all seems funny , i never give what i find precious away , when i look at you then you know there is something special about you , i just wanted to talk to you and and find out how everything is going and i know " full of joy " awsome ,  see when i look back at what i just posted i feel so stupid i feel like a teenager  i should not care what he thinks it should not matter , but why does it aaaaagggh  you see only the special ones drive you this crazy  , its their job  aaaaggh .

i am just frustrated now , thats all , mother day is coming up bad time for me , may 31 is coming up bad time for me , then before you know it my birthday semi bad time all of this reminds me of my mom so i get in a funky mood , i miss her , and that is hard  there are so many songs that remind me of her for a while i had to stop listening to skelton #8 { bleachers } because there is something about the sound of it that makes me sad , i cannot put on losing my realigion not yet , , emotion , you think you dont need them , well i went on to long and i did not blog a poem sorry went to school early  did not have a chance to look thru my box of words  hopefully tommorow ,

i will leave with off fhe cuff musing  from the carrie

when we least expect it , something magical happens
sometimes they dont even know what powers they have
pie , its what good for breakfast
i can only like someone with a sweet tooth
im am the dreamer of the dream

clive barkers

and i threw pennies in a fountain for you ,always --------------cak

i fall

read it its awsome clive barker

hello my friends of the underworld , how is the darkness, well i did it i jumped i gave wonderwall my number hopefully he recieverd it .will he call me bets are ----no ---- but atleast mike said in five years you can never say you did not , i never felt this way for a guy that it was a big deal to give my number or tell him the ball in his court im giving up the one thing i do like control of a situation aaaagha , of all the people of all the towns why did i have to work where he was , why did he have to hit me with his vibe why did i have to be inspire by him that he was so intresting that i could not help but write , seriously if he calls me i will be shocked or if he text me shocked , shocked , of everyone in my life just to have him as a friend would sufice but i am a casual hi in the midday someone who i guess in his eyes dose not stand out and he is welcome to correct me if he likes  i just want him to notice me when i am not around , but i can confess i can get him to smile which is an awsome smile it really is he always puts his head down which i find very cute see a crush is meant to slam you down leave you breathless and hopelessly wanted more and devastated    untill  wed  i will blog a poem  

later       cak

too much emotion

always looking up----cak

yes today i am very emotional , one i love rain , it is peaeful in its nature , two i dont know everytime i listen to music i get emtional and i know to most that sounds stupid so i really do not listen with anyone except for mike my brother he understandes when i cry , i was listening to billie joel { i love billie } and he has a song called lulliby oh my god i weep at that song i cant help it , so i was thinking which i do often and someone ask me once why do i share my music at first i did not know how to answear his querrry now i still do not and it was a while since he ask me i think it was a year ago , i share hoping i can find someone that feels like i do when i listen to music it can make  me smile . it gets me angry , it can bring me to tears with the right melody , and for me i search out my kind because not a lot of people feel the same way i do that take it all for granted they put their emotions in theiir back pocket not caring going around feeling nothing for nothing i feel sorry for them , i dont understand them , i try but to no availe, i only hope i can bring someone on a journey with my poems that when they leave i made some sort  of connection with them , well thats enough for now i have a test to take , and i just had to write what i am feeling

let the day take you where you need to be
the moon only shines for lovers
and i am here until i am not , and only i know where here is : ]
later , poem next will be next wes same time same channel     cak

into the suffering

lake of ice and murk
black birds in thousands,create the night, the winter begins
wilitin, of a kind
we fall into the nothing of the yesterday
blood on the ground, spilled
for reason of not
they do not know, they do not understand
shedding of the skin, rotting
like the sun setting in hell
branding the sick to sleep, nightmares of the dead
welcoming home the fallen, the worn torn solider, with prey on their shoulders and love letters in pocket
eyes split open, tongues cut, and we know
clocks ticking backwards, blood spilling in the bathroom
knees brusied, window broken
black bird on the still
blackness like death
fade ---------- until nothing

carrie ann kawa 5/2006

a demented little piece from a great artist

yes i have a dark side, is this my darkest poem { hardly } it is away to gate you into my darker stuff so if this not to your liken do not tread with me in one way putting it on paper saved me far more then you know dark on paper, smile on face ,balance ,but i found out six people said to me why do you look sad i said im not sad i was thinking we can all guess what i was thinking, but i did not mean to look sad intesrting
later underworld    cak

welcome to the strange and odd show we call carrie

one of my ways home  cak

ok little ones in the cosmos ,
i am ever so ----------me  he holds me with a smile he holds me by his very own way
he drives me crazy there was a time when no one could make me happy by seeing them { he does } i do not know why , i was never the type of person that well how should i say have a masive crush except gary spears 1986-1987 i was 13 years old and well music was awsome he was yeah i liked him a lot but i was 13 and stupid  , i do not know what this is im 36 and im not stupid {some would have you belive i am } he is in my thoughts too much right now i am bloging about him why what does this do for me in a way i was hoping it would purge my thoughts of what i am feeling writing has been my only tool for this mom got in her way i would write ,i am feeling sad write , this is who i am but with him no , and i always wonder who does he see , in one girl view he is scared of me because i like to talk to him , in other i do not think he even sees you , and me the loud mouth find it hard to say hey and such and such , so what do i do --nothing i dont know what to do if i see him look my way i tend to rational it off by saying oh there was a girl in my lane or if he talks to me oh he is being nice to the girl with the big giant crush , for him it might be normal to have a girl with a crush on him but for me it is not , i do not get this way in some ways i turn off my emotion and just be but for him i am  a mess weird how someone affect us and others do not .


ok that is enough i have bored my demented underground with this and it was not fair soooooo


musing of a carrie kind
we are watching the show of the universe as we revlove around the sun again and again and for a brief moment we see what we need to see

my lover will watch as i walk away and hoping for my return in the same breath

death always watches his roses and they smell as sweet as the new day

we are only playing the game not watching it , not willing it  ,

i want some pie  ------  not a musing just hungrey ------  lost 41 lbs  running around not eating will do this for a person
 
goodnight wonderwall get some sleep  , goodnight underworld i will blog a poem on wes for you as i always say old or new who knows ---but the -------------------------- you finish it    ;]

i am here

; >  a little strange i googled it --cak

i have to let it go
everything is everything
my feet are red and burring from the desert road , which i have walked
it seems, it never has the same face
always in flux for a new taste , anew something, and still the thirst comes no water to be found
a man of god, wearing black with a shining cross around his neck , on the road of which i walk
strikes up a conversation , of god no less
preaching to me that salvation is at hand
my own mind is far enough away on another journy to pay any attention to this peddler of god
we walk awhile, silence between us, until dusk hits
he falls to his knees places his cross in his mouth, the taste of bitter and salt, eyes rollback
i am unaware if death is at his door or a vision is at hand, i leave him behind
the wind picks up like a roar of nothing i knew it's so fierce and the cold is overwhelming
the howl sounds like many voices that are trying to find a place, but no such delivery comes
the thunderous hoofs of a thousand wild horses come charging, they need no rider , and they are free
i walk , no signs pointing the way , it seems i am always lost until i am not. i am here and here is where i am , it's so easy and yet so hard
in the field where wild yellow flowers grow, a man paying tribute to a fire , offers me a place at his feast, no words are spoken, but it is not a silent either, it just was
so many stars, there was a peace, the universe opened up and showed itself to those who wanted to see
life is not just the road, it is not the field, it is everything, a butterfly effect
i fell asllep , i dreamt of the man of god
i woke up before the sun rose to meet the day walking to him i felt a sence of dread
his clothes were there
his robe of deceit
the cross tarnished, because it all was untrue
im not sure what happened
if he went mad or really found something true
i was shown this because truth is everything, and when you do not have it you have nothing
i walk on ,my feet red and burring but more the wiser for the pain
destination unknown, it really does not matter
i am here and here is where i am

carrie ann kawa  4/2006

hello its me

i have been in such a flux latly , bad headaches, the "crush" , and now i have no poem to give because instead of going thrugh my box of words which my friends its a big box , i spent it spring cleaning , laundry soooo much laundry but you do not want to hear about the mundane you want the strange so let me give you that inviting taste the kind you lick your lips for , that taste that is a secert want that you badly need let me be your drug , you fix when you need a little : just a taste of that strange soooo what do i have in store for you a bus story a couple of them when you need more info talk to me and i wiil give you the stories in your ear with the lights out and the moon in full esence of her self right now only a taste --------

wating for the bus by cak

i have many bus stories many i take it every day to work from work to school from school in the early hors of morning to the late at night to mid day afternoon { which is the most dangerous } i know who would have thunk but this one is intresting , i have the kind of face that people talk to why ----- i dont know they just do well friday april 9th after work i had wonderwall on the mind he should be so proud that he takes some of mine thinking time and most of it is trying to figure out how to figure him out but im trailing off , i sat next to a women who for the most part seemed perfectly normal sitting in front of me was a guy cleaning his nails with a very largr knife but i have come to expect on my journeys , this women with such a spanish accsent touched my should and started to tell me about all the storms she has been thru an enpreesive list but i never ask she just wanted to tell me ok so i do what i do best listen , and take a mentel note of the situation its what she said after in the same fasion of speaking , she said some times i get the vision of the hell god wants us in { passing saint anns chuch she does the sign of the cross and goes on this is the end of days in a perfect wisper tone like she is telling me a serect or sharing a serect with me like i am the lucky one in a way i am she is giving me wisdom that i can use the knife guy then says to me im not crazy i wont hurt anyone with the knife but when you sleep on the streets this is all i have , i said to him dont worry you dont scare me with that he was happy i wanted to tell him a women already pulled a gun out in front of me to shoot another women i can deal with the knife , but i kept that tid bit to my self  like everthing in life i keep the good stuff locked away for the right ears to hear  so if she is right and you know what you never know  its the end of days and heven looks like a golden city ? yeah that one gets me all the time , i will let you gel in that i will blog a poem on wesenday  something old or brand knew i dont know something that will make you crave me all the more were you will want to wear my strange because life as you knew it will never be the same when i am not around all ready you miss my absent and we only locked eyes a few hours ago wait thats not for all you out there { see i was thinking about someone and got lost in my own delusion of  him } i do that  its all part of this strange pakage i call me  .