understanding Mother

Understanding Mother

I found it snowing in my bedroom

A cold and distant winter, magnified by such emotions

She came in a dream: a long ago dream of memories in liquid color

Framed by images of the night moon eclipse by a solar system and storybook galaxies

She had a lullaby that played in the rhythm of her dreams

Dreams she denied herself, dreams that left as soon as she opened her eyes.. In the swirl of self hatred and Valium.

Understanding her was as complicated as deciphering an ancient ruins of a lost civilization with an obscured language of ancient riddles.

She loved someone I could not comprehend as human

Followed him to death door this time not to save him but to jump into the unknown abyss with him

Was there an unspoken love that I could not understand beneath the garbage of reality?

I was in a room littered with torn papers of a thousand years of suffering and suffering

Untold tales of loss was the tattoo she wore

She had crucifixes in her room as a child , with alcoholic rage outside her door and talking ballerinas’ of an opium dream

My mother was intelligent , beautiful, coy , witty  and out of her mind , as to suggest there was a way to go into her mind with lock doors and cages inside her mind’s eye

An artist that refused her craft, her music

Gave away in the hopes of normal, but lost herself

She was always searching for something she had no clue she was looking for

Herself

Carrie Ann Kawa

12/19/2012