Dective 8 lament

on some of my many walks --cak

i walk the streets in search of that ........ miracle
the street walking whores with their pimps dressed in glitter and gold like christmas on heroin
the homeless with that walk, dressed in rags and wrapped in their blankets like it some type of shild from the world
but the cold knows no boundaries: it seeps in and chills the bones
gang violence,your casual domestic disturbance, and the unholy trinity of murder, rape and mayhem of thought
this is night, this is my world
i see what they dont want me to see-----------themselves
i am looking for my holy grail, a case that will take me to the edge of my own soul
i never wanted to visit that destination, deep inside, just skimming the edges in the deepness of one own self
i wake from the dream again, sometimes happy, most of the time miserable
like an afterthought of a promise that i was meant to keep, but someone else broke
we are what we are, that motto plays on my mind
i saw it once on a fountain with a statue of some beautiful angel whos sadness seemed so profound
i threw a penny in and made my wish for sometype of miracle
the under belly of the darkness , and the light
i woke at 2 in the moring with a scotch hangover
all i wanted to do was go back into the drink let it drown me over and over again
i lost my pretty cherry, the sickness of self doubt consumed her, i will morn a women i only said hello too
funny how we let it pass by not knowing what it all means
i swallowed hard : tongue feels fuzzy , eyes starting to burn
stomach turns and the contents of last night spill out of me like a reminder to be cautious
i get dressed to walk the night beat for nobody but myself
i wonder is that enough?
i dont know anymore , i dont.............
a whore crying , aware she sold her soul and self worth and she wanted it back
such precious we toss away
i pass a liquuor store , oh how i wanted to go in how tempting
but i am sick of being sick
so i walk
maybe i will walk until the rainbows end
the only problem is there are no rainbows at night

carrie ann kawa 7/2008