what i wanted to say

my mouth felt glued today , i wanted to say hello but the words never exscaped me , i wanted to ask did you get my note , did it mean anything , did you even care , i wanted to ask you do you think i am foolish like a child to even approching you with that awkward smile and the lack of what i can offer to the table , then  i thought i am me and that is never going to change i might lose weight , change my hair , get my degree , but all that to me is never going to change the core of me , i am crazy when i want , i laugh when it all seems funny , i never give what i find precious away , when i look at you then you know there is something special about you , i just wanted to talk to you and and find out how everything is going and i know " full of joy " awsome ,  see when i look back at what i just posted i feel so stupid i feel like a teenager  i should not care what he thinks it should not matter , but why does it aaaaagggh  you see only the special ones drive you this crazy  , its their job  aaaaggh .

i am just frustrated now , thats all , mother day is coming up bad time for me , may 31 is coming up bad time for me , then before you know it my birthday semi bad time all of this reminds me of my mom so i get in a funky mood , i miss her , and that is hard  there are so many songs that remind me of her for a while i had to stop listening to skelton #8 { bleachers } because there is something about the sound of it that makes me sad , i cannot put on losing my realigion not yet , , emotion , you think you dont need them , well i went on to long and i did not blog a poem sorry went to school early  did not have a chance to look thru my box of words  hopefully tommorow ,

i will leave with off fhe cuff musing  from the carrie

when we least expect it , something magical happens
sometimes they dont even know what powers they have
pie , its what good for breakfast
i can only like someone with a sweet tooth
im am the dreamer of the dream

clive barkers

and i threw pennies in a fountain for you ,always --------------cak

i fall

read it its awsome clive barker

hello my friends of the underworld , how is the darkness, well i did it i jumped i gave wonderwall my number hopefully he recieverd it .will he call me bets are ----no ---- but atleast mike said in five years you can never say you did not , i never felt this way for a guy that it was a big deal to give my number or tell him the ball in his court im giving up the one thing i do like control of a situation aaaagha , of all the people of all the towns why did i have to work where he was , why did he have to hit me with his vibe why did i have to be inspire by him that he was so intresting that i could not help but write , seriously if he calls me i will be shocked or if he text me shocked , shocked , of everyone in my life just to have him as a friend would sufice but i am a casual hi in the midday someone who i guess in his eyes dose not stand out and he is welcome to correct me if he likes  i just want him to notice me when i am not around , but i can confess i can get him to smile which is an awsome smile it really is he always puts his head down which i find very cute see a crush is meant to slam you down leave you breathless and hopelessly wanted more and devastated    untill  wed  i will blog a poem  

later       cak

too much emotion

always looking up----cak

yes today i am very emotional , one i love rain , it is peaeful in its nature , two i dont know everytime i listen to music i get emtional and i know to most that sounds stupid so i really do not listen with anyone except for mike my brother he understandes when i cry , i was listening to billie joel { i love billie } and he has a song called lulliby oh my god i weep at that song i cant help it , so i was thinking which i do often and someone ask me once why do i share my music at first i did not know how to answear his querrry now i still do not and it was a while since he ask me i think it was a year ago , i share hoping i can find someone that feels like i do when i listen to music it can make  me smile . it gets me angry , it can bring me to tears with the right melody , and for me i search out my kind because not a lot of people feel the same way i do that take it all for granted they put their emotions in theiir back pocket not caring going around feeling nothing for nothing i feel sorry for them , i dont understand them , i try but to no availe, i only hope i can bring someone on a journey with my poems that when they leave i made some sort  of connection with them , well thats enough for now i have a test to take , and i just had to write what i am feeling

let the day take you where you need to be
the moon only shines for lovers
and i am here until i am not , and only i know where here is : ]
later , poem next will be next wes same time same channel     cak

into the suffering

lake of ice and murk
black birds in thousands,create the night, the winter begins
wilitin, of a kind
we fall into the nothing of the yesterday
blood on the ground, spilled
for reason of not
they do not know, they do not understand
shedding of the skin, rotting
like the sun setting in hell
branding the sick to sleep, nightmares of the dead
welcoming home the fallen, the worn torn solider, with prey on their shoulders and love letters in pocket
eyes split open, tongues cut, and we know
clocks ticking backwards, blood spilling in the bathroom
knees brusied, window broken
black bird on the still
blackness like death
fade ---------- until nothing

carrie ann kawa 5/2006

a demented little piece from a great artist

yes i have a dark side, is this my darkest poem { hardly } it is away to gate you into my darker stuff so if this not to your liken do not tread with me in one way putting it on paper saved me far more then you know dark on paper, smile on face ,balance ,but i found out six people said to me why do you look sad i said im not sad i was thinking we can all guess what i was thinking, but i did not mean to look sad intesrting
later underworld    cak

welcome to the strange and odd show we call carrie

one of my ways home  cak

ok little ones in the cosmos ,
i am ever so ----------me  he holds me with a smile he holds me by his very own way
he drives me crazy there was a time when no one could make me happy by seeing them { he does } i do not know why , i was never the type of person that well how should i say have a masive crush except gary spears 1986-1987 i was 13 years old and well music was awsome he was yeah i liked him a lot but i was 13 and stupid  , i do not know what this is im 36 and im not stupid {some would have you belive i am } he is in my thoughts too much right now i am bloging about him why what does this do for me in a way i was hoping it would purge my thoughts of what i am feeling writing has been my only tool for this mom got in her way i would write ,i am feeling sad write , this is who i am but with him no , and i always wonder who does he see , in one girl view he is scared of me because i like to talk to him , in other i do not think he even sees you , and me the loud mouth find it hard to say hey and such and such , so what do i do --nothing i dont know what to do if i see him look my way i tend to rational it off by saying oh there was a girl in my lane or if he talks to me oh he is being nice to the girl with the big giant crush , for him it might be normal to have a girl with a crush on him but for me it is not , i do not get this way in some ways i turn off my emotion and just be but for him i am  a mess weird how someone affect us and others do not .


ok that is enough i have bored my demented underground with this and it was not fair soooooo


musing of a carrie kind
we are watching the show of the universe as we revlove around the sun again and again and for a brief moment we see what we need to see

my lover will watch as i walk away and hoping for my return in the same breath

death always watches his roses and they smell as sweet as the new day

we are only playing the game not watching it , not willing it  ,

i want some pie  ------  not a musing just hungrey ------  lost 41 lbs  running around not eating will do this for a person
 
goodnight wonderwall get some sleep  , goodnight underworld i will blog a poem on wes for you as i always say old or new who knows ---but the -------------------------- you finish it    ;]

i am here

; >  a little strange i googled it --cak

i have to let it go
everything is everything
my feet are red and burring from the desert road , which i have walked
it seems, it never has the same face
always in flux for a new taste , anew something, and still the thirst comes no water to be found
a man of god, wearing black with a shining cross around his neck , on the road of which i walk
strikes up a conversation , of god no less
preaching to me that salvation is at hand
my own mind is far enough away on another journy to pay any attention to this peddler of god
we walk awhile, silence between us, until dusk hits
he falls to his knees places his cross in his mouth, the taste of bitter and salt, eyes rollback
i am unaware if death is at his door or a vision is at hand, i leave him behind
the wind picks up like a roar of nothing i knew it's so fierce and the cold is overwhelming
the howl sounds like many voices that are trying to find a place, but no such delivery comes
the thunderous hoofs of a thousand wild horses come charging, they need no rider , and they are free
i walk , no signs pointing the way , it seems i am always lost until i am not. i am here and here is where i am , it's so easy and yet so hard
in the field where wild yellow flowers grow, a man paying tribute to a fire , offers me a place at his feast, no words are spoken, but it is not a silent either, it just was
so many stars, there was a peace, the universe opened up and showed itself to those who wanted to see
life is not just the road, it is not the field, it is everything, a butterfly effect
i fell asllep , i dreamt of the man of god
i woke up before the sun rose to meet the day walking to him i felt a sence of dread
his clothes were there
his robe of deceit
the cross tarnished, because it all was untrue
im not sure what happened
if he went mad or really found something true
i was shown this because truth is everything, and when you do not have it you have nothing
i walk on ,my feet red and burring but more the wiser for the pain
destination unknown, it really does not matter
i am here and here is where i am

carrie ann kawa  4/2006

hello its me

i have been in such a flux latly , bad headaches, the "crush" , and now i have no poem to give because instead of going thrugh my box of words which my friends its a big box , i spent it spring cleaning , laundry soooo much laundry but you do not want to hear about the mundane you want the strange so let me give you that inviting taste the kind you lick your lips for , that taste that is a secert want that you badly need let me be your drug , you fix when you need a little : just a taste of that strange soooo what do i have in store for you a bus story a couple of them when you need more info talk to me and i wiil give you the stories in your ear with the lights out and the moon in full esence of her self right now only a taste --------

wating for the bus by cak

i have many bus stories many i take it every day to work from work to school from school in the early hors of morning to the late at night to mid day afternoon { which is the most dangerous } i know who would have thunk but this one is intresting , i have the kind of face that people talk to why ----- i dont know they just do well friday april 9th after work i had wonderwall on the mind he should be so proud that he takes some of mine thinking time and most of it is trying to figure out how to figure him out but im trailing off , i sat next to a women who for the most part seemed perfectly normal sitting in front of me was a guy cleaning his nails with a very largr knife but i have come to expect on my journeys , this women with such a spanish accsent touched my should and started to tell me about all the storms she has been thru an enpreesive list but i never ask she just wanted to tell me ok so i do what i do best listen , and take a mentel note of the situation its what she said after in the same fasion of speaking , she said some times i get the vision of the hell god wants us in { passing saint anns chuch she does the sign of the cross and goes on this is the end of days in a perfect wisper tone like she is telling me a serect or sharing a serect with me like i am the lucky one in a way i am she is giving me wisdom that i can use the knife guy then says to me im not crazy i wont hurt anyone with the knife but when you sleep on the streets this is all i have , i said to him dont worry you dont scare me with that he was happy i wanted to tell him a women already pulled a gun out in front of me to shoot another women i can deal with the knife , but i kept that tid bit to my self  like everthing in life i keep the good stuff locked away for the right ears to hear  so if she is right and you know what you never know  its the end of days and heven looks like a golden city ? yeah that one gets me all the time , i will let you gel in that i will blog a poem on wesenday  something old or brand knew i dont know something that will make you crave me all the more were you will want to wear my strange because life as you knew it will never be the same when i am not around all ready you miss my absent and we only locked eyes a few hours ago wait thats not for all you out there { see i was thinking about someone and got lost in my own delusion of  him } i do that  its all part of this strange pakage i call me  .

Dective 8 lament

on some of my many walks --cak

i walk the streets in search of that ........ miracle
the street walking whores with their pimps dressed in glitter and gold like christmas on heroin
the homeless with that walk, dressed in rags and wrapped in their blankets like it some type of shild from the world
but the cold knows no boundaries: it seeps in and chills the bones
gang violence,your casual domestic disturbance, and the unholy trinity of murder, rape and mayhem of thought
this is night, this is my world
i see what they dont want me to see-----------themselves
i am looking for my holy grail, a case that will take me to the edge of my own soul
i never wanted to visit that destination, deep inside, just skimming the edges in the deepness of one own self
i wake from the dream again, sometimes happy, most of the time miserable
like an afterthought of a promise that i was meant to keep, but someone else broke
we are what we are, that motto plays on my mind
i saw it once on a fountain with a statue of some beautiful angel whos sadness seemed so profound
i threw a penny in and made my wish for sometype of miracle
the under belly of the darkness , and the light
i woke at 2 in the moring with a scotch hangover
all i wanted to do was go back into the drink let it drown me over and over again
i lost my pretty cherry, the sickness of self doubt consumed her, i will morn a women i only said hello too
funny how we let it pass by not knowing what it all means
i swallowed hard : tongue feels fuzzy , eyes starting to burn
stomach turns and the contents of last night spill out of me like a reminder to be cautious
i get dressed to walk the night beat for nobody but myself
i wonder is that enough?
i dont know anymore , i dont.............
a whore crying , aware she sold her soul and self worth and she wanted it back
such precious we toss away
i pass a liquuor store , oh how i wanted to go in how tempting
but i am sick of being sick
so i walk
maybe i will walk until the rainbows end
the only problem is there are no rainbows at night

carrie ann kawa 7/2008