the misery of me

THE MISERY OF ME

Knowing that I wonder and sit here and think, and think

In the trauma of my mind like an open wound

You have such a way that I don’t know if I am coming or going --- so easy to discard me

So easy to leave

Did you think it was going to be easy for me, no you did not think

That I got so attach that the moment I saw you , I knew  I just knew

I gave you all my heart and all my mind even the darkness of my jealousy, and my paranoia

I wanted you to know the darkness and the light; I wanted to give you all of me

You did not want me, you did not want me

The misery of me , is like a deep wound , tears fill ,

You left me with a --thank you for caring –

I did not just care , I love you and what does that phrase mean --- nothing to you

Another set of words that have no meaning of substance in your world

I was so easy to leave, no mess , no tears for you

Like taking off your surgical gloves and leaving the room, the blood of the day cleaned up by someone else

Just another face in the crowd that you will pretend not to know

A face filled with misery

Carrie Ann Kawa 12/31/11

Last poem of 2011 for Viking not like he is going to see , more for me I guess 

just me

the bugs in me

i would like to think i bring joy to peoples life and in the briefest moment i do believe they are happy , but i am one of those people that shine very bright and when you are use to the darkness in your own soul i can be a bit too much . Love is a funny thing no matter what  this bugs bunny is always thinking of Elmer  fudd if you knew it is  an awesome description of him so i want to refer to " i killed the rabbit " a beautiful opera of visual appeal " love to chuck Jones . see Elmer wanted bugs to die ..... in a way needed it like heroin to a junkie but he regretted it . so Merry Christmas     CAK 12/25/2011

caught in the moment

Got caught in a moment

Rain starts to fall

I am here with you, through it all

I am still, eyes close, and this moment is forever

Dreams vivid, like colors on acid trips of wonder and falling in to pools of mysteries

Finding the moment still, no nothing of time, lost in a daze of wonderment

I am so lost, not sure why. It seems when I took your hand…. I lost

That part of me that knows …..

Standing on the edge, I have been here before looking over that abyss

As always the abyss is dark, and lonely like a night gone wrong

You let go of my hand, I did not fall I was suspended into a world of riddles

Clocks that are backwards, and moments that are frozen, logical thinking was not allowed, fantasy forbidden

Confusion everlasting

I have no name here, forgotten in the sands

I was someone’s daughter, mother, love, goddess, friend, and enemy

Who am I now?

That face in the crowed that is forgettable

That no one sees, that blends in to the background of a forgettable society

That bares witness to a world that is falling apart

The stars seem so quiet they are keeping secrets

The moon shines so bright in such a cold, and yet

Words fall into this abyss; I lack the structure of understanding

You ran away from me so fast

There was no way I could catch up

I breath, I tried to scream but you left

They all go that way ….. Running, running, running

I am standing in that moment frozen.

Carrie Ann Kawa

12/14/2011

Inspired by those who have left me with questions

Thanks 

picture Jamas Nubile Sarajevo , Bosnia 1996

http://youtu.be/JMWYCnCIVMU

Thinking OF HIM

What  am i suppose to say , how am i suppose to feel , hurt , such pain but not all for me for him also in a strange way i believe he has to pay in life and that to reach a different type of happiness he was not allowed . now that is a type of rational  on my part as to say i have no part in his decision , but in truth i did not he blocked me from his life so fast i had no say and of  course what he would  be is that is just the way it is . all i wanted to know was his intention , i think i was entitled to this . he never gave me a chance to tell him I love him still do cannot turn off an emotion , unless he can . in which i do not know what to say to that at all . I miss him , our first kiss still was electric . he should talk to me  i had a dream about him oh what a dream ... thats all  CAK

listen to the words if you happen to come here -cak

goddess in pain

The Goddess in pain

Tears that are silent in the rain

He sailed his shipped looking for her, his eternity he saw the way the wind captured her , how it took her essence to him

He wanted her, knew her like no other

She saw him: looked into those ocean blue eyes and fell for him handed her heart over to him.

In which he vowed his words of love

She would have loved him forever.

Her body was his, her mind she shared and her soul he could journey through

He claimed her angel, and that he held his breath

He was on his knees pleading that he could not share her with another, pleading his love to her

Their kiss was electric, sparks of fire , the taste of sweet nectar.

In dizzy colors of love

His hands enclosed on hers , the skulls on his wrist watching her

Her feelings for him was intense left her sometimes jealous and insecure and wanting him always

Her patience was true, and her feelings she wore like her nakedness

He misunderstood her words and shaped a knife out of her verbs, stabbed her heart he fell silent and walked away

She tried to tell to tell him, he would not listen.

Her heart grew cold and her eyes turned to fire

The knife is still there, such a pain

She sits on the hill overlooking the water for him to hear her as she sings softly

Other have tried to tell her let it go

He sits there on his vessel like she does not exist , he told himself he could let her go , he did not have to watch her fall turned away from her tears

How could she understand that their time was short, and that he sold his soul to the sea

The sea was stronger than he could ever be ..

He looked out at the sea and sees phantoms’ of her

Ignores his wants, his desires gives into his demented madness

This is his duty, his life

It was easy to go, to walk away

She sits on that hill, looking over the water ---in waiting

The rain and wind starts , drenching her

Her hair turning to ice, the same hair he so wanted to touch

She grew distant more to herself

Heart so broken

11/30/2011

Viking

Carrie ann kawa  

  

THE GODDESS IN WAITING

Yes they have come pay homage
with token words of affection and promise of love
i look upon them with affection , and admiration of such a kindness

you took my breath away , you have left me bewildered and wanting more
my flowing gown that catches the wind
smiling in my way
you have me
i crave your attention , when i look into your eyes i see such love
never have i felt so safe , as our hands touch electric ,
rain starts and i am in your arms the rest of the world faded away , nothing existed

i have waited for such a challenge too my heart
i have so much that you are willing to take , i found that answer in your kiss
you sitting there reading my expression for the eternity that you have waited for me , until i noticed lost in my self not to see you
until those eyes came into my view , i wanted to get lost ,
your confession of love was overpowering
i felt loved for the first time never realizing what that emotion was .... from another
you have transcended me to such a place I'm not sure how to tread
i understood the language of my soul , and now it has changed to something more complex and yet so simple that it looks like such a beautiful moon full of it own light shed by many suns

carrie ann kawa 8/12/2011 viking

do i have to say the words

hello one and all that stop by here to read my thoughts ......
i am in love , plan and simple , he is the one , the one that  know matter what will always be there for me . what is strange , he makes everything ok . my world seems very bright with him in it .

Wonderwall is a mere memory , sis no longer wants mw in her life which breaks my heart but on that road called life there will be people that stay and there will people that go ..... and i have to expect that my adam willl stay , that i have no doubts in . i got an a nice compliment the other day well yesterday jo jo said carrie you make my day , you make it better , i needed that . oh yeah my birthday is coming up tommrow so .... i have to deal with that sadness that mom is not here to enjoy it . there will be more poems i just havent had the time to post but i know how much you love my tasty grey matter , it taste like suger cookies :) 

why

WHY


In the cosmic way of thinking and my truth of the abstract

You have stabbed me in the heart then licked the blade in front of me

I have ways you do not understand, like the clouds that come rolling in as they look misleading for rain, they shed their water, and the tears come

My ways have logic and yet it is not what you think, you are so placed in a way of thinking your misunderstanding of my life is not withstanding to the point of being completely black of thought

My anger grew in ways you have never seen and would never show you, tears of pain and misunderstanding come into play

This side of me you do not know, which is the way of thing

My faith has shaken my foundation, and my trust has been wounded

The breaks of my heart, have been craved so deep, that there is not enough time to heal,

I walk around wounded, another faded smile in the crowd

Losing more and more of me.

It is the me you cannot handled, not much can, you fall under the same way everyone else does, looking at me thinking you know all about me

When only the surface has been scratch.

Scars I wear, you do not see. They belong to me like a warrior

It takes time to break walls, and now my hammer is hidden and the fake smile of complacence is what I will wear

Understand, the complexity of me is not easy, nor with anyone. But your integrity did not come into play with words of venom and hurtfulness

Are worlds come together, like orbiting moons of such wonder?

Your moon is beautiful and filled with such wonder, that enjoying that moon was a joy,

My moon was there orbiting, understanding, and now gone like so many things in the universe changing

Gone, and forgotten, it is the way of things



Carrie Ann kawa 3/25/2011

THE LUNACY AND PSYCHOLOGICAL COMPLEXITY OF SOUNDWAVE

The lunacy and psychological complexity of Sound wave


“All my friends go away in the end “---Hurt –NIN –Jonny cash

“All my friends are in my head “---Lithium –Nirvana

” cries and screams are music to my ears “–sound wave

……………..Transmission ends. The universal buzzing begins, the voices begin, and it starts like a low din, to the choir of chaos.

I am, I am not, I am them, and they do not exist ……sonic waves exploding

Tuner electric, buzz, scratch, noise of a thousand screams

I am, I am not, I am them, and they do not exist

The war of four million years and I was in my zenith, my energon lust, crushing

An enemy with a sonic boom until his spark and energon leaked out of his audio sensor

I enjoyed my job, I was the best, and my team was equally good

Espionage, saboteur, victimizing, computer hi- jacking, psychological warfare and integration.

We were the best, until the day of the reckoning

Crumbling, and fallen, I lay wasted for, energon everywhere

I was waiting for them to come back, to salvage me

I was left to fall into my own lunacy

I patch myself together using parts from Dirge (he did not mind, he was dead)

I search for my partners

The only survivor was Ratbat; he was eating the eyes of shrapnel and in my opinion enjoying the taste of wasted deceptions

All of them: frenzy, overkill, slugfeast, beast box,

My harbingers of doom, lay in pieces, torn apart, blacked oozed from their faces

In a way it was beautiful in the abstract of destruction

Squakbox was still talking even in his last moments; I stepped on him to put him out of my misery

Rumble was decimated in a crater he created

Wingthing, lazerbeak, and buzzsaw –wings were torn to shreds

Ratbat brought me the head of Ravage

I believe that drove me to the edge of the sonic abyss of digital sound and analog nightmare

I gathered all of them together , my partners , myself ,I could not repair them , I could not save them

Processing units, metallic brain matter, hands feet, wings, lay in wasted remains twisted metal coming undone

And then I did the unthinkable, I ate of their metal, I wanted to devour them and keep them forever

I was becoming something different, something diabolical, and sinful

Ratbat enjoyed in eating of his brethren, enjoying their demise, I would take their energon and make designs in my metal, and I tattoo myself with the image of my lost

I was left on the battle field for so long; I lost myself only to find someone new

My wounds healed, my metal was twisted and stained with the energon of my children

I wear a cape now made out of exoskeleton remains of fallen deceptions’

My staff I carry has the head of my Ravage

The sound of the universe echoes in my ears, Rabat at my side

Wings I forged together so I can take flight

I made a face shield out of frenzy and rumble in the fashion of comedy and tragedy I am the infinite one I am me and they are me , and I am them

Ratbat sits on my shoulder perched

I talk to myself in the person

Ratbat looks at me as if I have lost my mind , and I have , oh yes , lost it I did , did I lose it ?

I decide to leave the battlefield

With myself of renewal, I must go and find my brethren

Oh how they will see the art I have created

Oh how they will rue the day, they left me, oh how they will rue the day

Carrie Ann Kawa 5/10/2010

I am , and will always be

i have held down what i am , who i am
to emerge into something new , to know i am , to feel i am
my words are the the deep thought of your subconscious , i know this about you , you wanted me to know this , begging for me in the deep of the dark of night
i am the water you drink , the food you eat , and the love you need .
you would give me your soul to touch me , to know me , to want me
i have been so many places seen so many things , my smell is exotic flowers from mountains that touch the sky
my hair is like the wind and water , flowing through time to be here , standing naked in the mist of the moon so you can look , and behold in my presence
what would you give to kiss me .
 have stepped in the footsteps of gods , and not blushed away
i take your hands into mines , so you can know you belong to me , always it is written in ancient texts of ones who can see pass the edge of time .
walk with me love , tread with me in forbidden . i want you to taste my kiss , you will want for nothing
i am , and always will be until , as you well know .
stars will fall , cites will fall , mankind will fall
follow me into the sweet nothing

Carrie Ann Kawa  1/4/2011     first poem of the year