fade

i never understood what is in the mind and hearts of others i only wrote my view of them .
i sat not in judgement but in curiosity about them and placed them on a table to pick a part and in my mind it was ok what i assumed about them , or what i felt for them out there and still now i do not apologize it is my form of reality , obscured , unusual, dream like in the essence of of my mind .

those out there i wrote about i thank you deeply for being my muse , and those of you that read what i wrote and don't get it well  there is nothing i chose to do about it. it is what it is

at my school --cak

next week poems  , this week blogging for the sake of seeing my words out there , remember  my readers i am still on a journey of self discover , i take you for a ride with me i let you taste my grey matter , and no you like the taste of sweet ,  into the mystic  van Morrison just popped into my head nothing to do with anything i said 

good night 

losing my ........

well it will be two years since my mom has past , and it has been ,what can you say no one will ever know what me and mike went through words are inadequate to illustrate that experience . most likely i will not blog about it for awhile , i miss her , i miss her sense of humor , her nightmares , the way she like peppers and eggs on an onion roll, how she would eat ice cream like it was going to get banned , the way she loved seal , she was my mom and no one will every take her place , now do not get me wrong we had our problems , but as she would always say i was her cake always and forever .

OK underworld  it s close 5weeks until my graduation and the ceremony is not until October then in September i start the university of Phoenix for my BA , is this what i set out for in life not really i wanted to ...... its not important , some one ask me will i still write , its in my blood its what i know about myself the most that i write , and no one can take that away from me .

on other issues it remains to be seen " you never know " what ever that is suppose to mean -----

underworld  it is good to know you exist to read this and take it on a journey as i do to others no one day with out me being aware of the fact i will watch one of you and then write it down in a strange and odd way .

thor -- how can you go wrong with thor

until   underworld

the city of shadows

cak

the lights flicker as if they not suppose to exist
moonlight on a darken path
i stop to take a picture
i catch a glimpse of a reality that no one sees

i stop at a church, my camera cannot capture it , the light of the blind keep it secrets
there is a certain silence
that i find unnerving and yet i know it has a meaning
in that one moment, of complete silence
my mind runs past it all
 from numbers and words to the complexity of the human condition
of words said and not said
and what it all means
then it all is just quiet there i found myself in the moment
and let it all go
it seems so useless, all my random thoughts
 my journey begins with one step, one word , one truth
the light fades completely and then i find myself in the dark
i continue o walk
taking off my shoes to feel the sidewalk, cold , uneven, hardness, slab of grey
i feel the vibration
a tale untold, an equation unsolved, a kiss not yet received
all in all , thoughts , and the night ,
my home

carrie ann kawa   5/23/2010

this is what happens when you walk by yourself with a camera not only do my thoughts wonder so does my art i have never would call my pics art just the way i see the world  on face book if you are a friend and i think you are now unless you pass by my blog just to read the random thoughts of the strange and unusual Carrie and if you are a trespasser hi whats up and if you know me this should come as no surprised , because  as a poet we are suppose to see the world in are view then write about it EVEN IF IT IS A RUN ON SENTENCE  that is for oh he knows who he is  i never said i was good with English rules just painting a picture with my words. i found it funny when he brought it up My comp  instructor pointed out the same thing and she also gave me a song by the birds and bees to give to a certain crush , funny how that circle goes well i went off on a tangent and made no sense in the process , poem was inspire by my walks at night alone , and thinking to much and trying to take a picture of a certain church with no avail but hey underworld we do what we need to do 

goodnight   sis   keep strong
goodnight   wonderwall  keep pointing out what i do wrong , for some odd reason i like it , it keeps me on my toes  lol 
goodnight underworld   for the moon is our sun  until

do i feel real

i looked up to the sky and the clouds, in the rain in which i know

cak

transcending and yet i am here in the face of mortality
am i real
what is real, what i do or what i say does it have any impact on anything
my blood hits the floor, it pools into a strange design
and i play at being pragmatic, its just blood on the floor , of reason and not to which i know
it was a symbol of something beyond me
the patterns', the knot of knowledge i have come to respect
to know nothing of nothing of which  i came
the face in the mirror is a reflection of someone who is lost and yet found in the same breath
how should i feel..... lost in my own grand design of fate
the music of a piano playing lightly in the distant, brings me to tears
on the wind of a lullaby
and yet i am real
life fades into that darkness so easily
in my own mind
would i be missed ?
and yet those questions that i can never answer .............
the sun shines when the clouds part and i go towards the light
the melody stills plays on the wind

carrie ann kawa  5/2010


so dear underworld trolls like myself how are you today do you find your self in the mess of it all wishing for someone to deliver you from the cosmic nothingness and give you that kiss that one kiss that you feel in your toes and travels down your spine and you look into each other eyes and the world does not even exist ---yeah me tooo  

goodnight

well well well

i find my self in a strange place of late which dear reader of this blog should be nothing unusual , yesterday was mothers day and well i cried then i went to my faithful friend the radio when i want random i just turn the dial and let the wave of whatever hit me and it started with the wallflowers  " one headlight " forget about it tears would not stop rolling and then tiny dancer and it was all emotion , then songs that remind me of him " the crush " you infect me  i really thought if i don't see him then it would be over  noooooooo, why should it be this is me why cant i be detached most people are so back and forth my momsie songs and wonder wall , i just love torture , that being said , i plan to just study  study study study , and forget men exists because i have no luck with them what so ever  i am ever so the troll under the bridge a cute , smart , troll but one non the less  , now if i was not choosy this would not be the problem i just want someone that dose not want me , his lost that is what i will tell my self forever ,,  now on to bright stuff   life is good and complicated at the same time i am at the bus stop at 2;50 am ad does not care what time it is and i notice a no trespass sign at the bus stop this felt strange to me are we not all trespasser at the bus stop does any one know who getting on or going off , in point no one belongs there it temporary , as in life we go on to the next we never stay behind to find out what happens there , so in essence when we walk , go the park hike a trail we are trespassing on life because it is only temporary we are only meant to see a fraction of that life before we go on but what if we were to stay what then what would we see , watching life with out being a part of it now i know your going to think out loud and say don't people do that on an everyday basis  yes but they chose not to exists i am talking about watching , very different how people interact with each other how they play their emotional games , what are they thinking , as a writer that's what i do i trespass on humanity, watching them trying to understand them  writing their stories down with out them knowing , it makes you wonder who watches me?

shy of the vally of fire

clive barker more then apt 

here i walk alone
i cannot walk with the like of mankind, they do not understand me
a vigilante with my feelings
i take with a deep vengeance, to guard myself shielding every inch of my soul
never to expose the true me
of which is still a mystery
when i emerge from the cocoon of doubt
how will i be
a deep fire of rawness with an edge and aconfidence of a hero
or with ice eyes, a killer with my tongue
showing no mercy
cutting down my enemies and anyone that stands in my way
to see into the future that seems like a far off dream
it will be both dangerous and beautiful
to hold a flower and shatter a diamond
to look into the soul of my true love
and cut the throats of anyone that talks ill of my choosen one
i have at times to conjure my own demons that come slashing at me
i need to stand up to that part of my self
bring it back and form a new
i will ride the night and take back what everyone took from me
and then what will they see

carrie ann kawa  12/2006

ease my mind

bluesky of night wind   cak

when i looked it was no more what i said got lost in the wind of my forgotten thoughts , i thoght it would be ....

i tried to say all i needed to say but somehow it all slamed me in the face , and there is no turning back everything i am is wraped up in that one emotion , sadness is the ony true emotion we can have , it speaks to us in ways that have truth of meaning in the substance of human vanity that we are and i lack the will to try and fight for which i will lose

not of me and such a way is is wrong i turned to see you already gone and with who you are you leave it all behind , in a neat way , in a way that you know what it all means

i looked at the sky and the wind was in her high glory and i was in my element , i only thought of you and that gave me no comfort for which i am

carrie ann kawa   5/03/2010