the misery of me

THE MISERY OF ME

Knowing that I wonder and sit here and think, and think

In the trauma of my mind like an open wound

You have such a way that I don’t know if I am coming or going --- so easy to discard me

So easy to leave

Did you think it was going to be easy for me, no you did not think

That I got so attach that the moment I saw you , I knew  I just knew

I gave you all my heart and all my mind even the darkness of my jealousy, and my paranoia

I wanted you to know the darkness and the light; I wanted to give you all of me

You did not want me, you did not want me

The misery of me , is like a deep wound , tears fill ,

You left me with a --thank you for caring –

I did not just care , I love you and what does that phrase mean --- nothing to you

Another set of words that have no meaning of substance in your world

I was so easy to leave, no mess , no tears for you

Like taking off your surgical gloves and leaving the room, the blood of the day cleaned up by someone else

Just another face in the crowd that you will pretend not to know

A face filled with misery

Carrie Ann Kawa 12/31/11

Last poem of 2011 for Viking not like he is going to see , more for me I guess 

just me

the bugs in me

i would like to think i bring joy to peoples life and in the briefest moment i do believe they are happy , but i am one of those people that shine very bright and when you are use to the darkness in your own soul i can be a bit too much . Love is a funny thing no matter what  this bugs bunny is always thinking of Elmer  fudd if you knew it is  an awesome description of him so i want to refer to " i killed the rabbit " a beautiful opera of visual appeal " love to chuck Jones . see Elmer wanted bugs to die ..... in a way needed it like heroin to a junkie but he regretted it . so Merry Christmas     CAK 12/25/2011

caught in the moment

Got caught in a moment

Rain starts to fall

I am here with you, through it all

I am still, eyes close, and this moment is forever

Dreams vivid, like colors on acid trips of wonder and falling in to pools of mysteries

Finding the moment still, no nothing of time, lost in a daze of wonderment

I am so lost, not sure why. It seems when I took your hand…. I lost

That part of me that knows …..

Standing on the edge, I have been here before looking over that abyss

As always the abyss is dark, and lonely like a night gone wrong

You let go of my hand, I did not fall I was suspended into a world of riddles

Clocks that are backwards, and moments that are frozen, logical thinking was not allowed, fantasy forbidden

Confusion everlasting

I have no name here, forgotten in the sands

I was someone’s daughter, mother, love, goddess, friend, and enemy

Who am I now?

That face in the crowed that is forgettable

That no one sees, that blends in to the background of a forgettable society

That bares witness to a world that is falling apart

The stars seem so quiet they are keeping secrets

The moon shines so bright in such a cold, and yet

Words fall into this abyss; I lack the structure of understanding

You ran away from me so fast

There was no way I could catch up

I breath, I tried to scream but you left

They all go that way ….. Running, running, running

I am standing in that moment frozen.

Carrie Ann Kawa

12/14/2011

Inspired by those who have left me with questions

Thanks 

picture Jamas Nubile Sarajevo , Bosnia 1996

http://youtu.be/JMWYCnCIVMU

Thinking OF HIM

What  am i suppose to say , how am i suppose to feel , hurt , such pain but not all for me for him also in a strange way i believe he has to pay in life and that to reach a different type of happiness he was not allowed . now that is a type of rational  on my part as to say i have no part in his decision , but in truth i did not he blocked me from his life so fast i had no say and of  course what he would  be is that is just the way it is . all i wanted to know was his intention , i think i was entitled to this . he never gave me a chance to tell him I love him still do cannot turn off an emotion , unless he can . in which i do not know what to say to that at all . I miss him , our first kiss still was electric . he should talk to me  i had a dream about him oh what a dream ... thats all  CAK

listen to the words if you happen to come here -cak