why do i like {him)

you see i have always been a flirt except with him, i cant put on "the show " why, guys all the time give me their numbers ask me out , flirt back, now  i am just a flirt no one except for one in the past has peeked my intrest as much as him and its not because of what he dose i liked him before the fact , the first time i saw him and i know i have gone on about him before most of the time when i write it purges my mind so dreams and all that stuff do not get the best of me , but no this one , i dream about him , i think about him, why , he gives me no more then a quick glimpes of him and yet i am intriged , this is not like me i grew up in a very cynical home that gave no for thought to i want to say love but i feel that is a bit to much , but in truth it is what it is , my mother told me no man is every going to be the one there is no such thing said a women who was in a bad marraige and a 9 yer realationship born from the bowels of hell , so i never got hooked on a guy and besides my mom would have shot them down , but this one i do not know what it is about him ,i am clueless about my feelings , i am never this way and yet he bring this out in me when i try to talk to him i feel i sound stupid hence a person told me he is scared of me most likly i have botherd him once to often with my querry on his life and well i am me and he is who he is , i am just waiting for this crush to end , they do end dont they ?

in a way his tragic enough to fit : }

 tomorrow poems ---------promise my friends     carrie 

lost

jump rope on the highway 11/14/09 arizona mike took it i feel it fits ;  )

standing in the middle of nowhere
nobody around except for my voice
i yell at the nothingness, hoping
to break some barrier, to let shine through this darkness
i am trying to walk somewhere
to take passage on a train going someplace, anyplace, as long as its not here
to see a face i know, but the faces i have encountered are blank and to stare too long i will lose myself inside their misery and despair
i am walking down a highway the cars that drive by are blurs ,almost like reflection of the state of my mind
never stopping, traveling to nowhere just a destination that carries a different name
i stop at aplace called rest, i try to look at amap, but the names are confusing, and everything points to here, so i check in
the clerk stares at me and then takes the rest of me, for a room with a hard bed , no tv
i took a cold shower then i left
i founnd outt i like the walking
i will travel until i am found


carrie ann kawa 11/1991    10/1993 revised

on the waters edge

we have ways : just a doodle :}

 he has passed this place before

an old wound for an old enemy

he throws pennies into a fountain waiting for wishes

and then he walks to places of unknown, unforeseen force

to place his feet on soil that greatness has walked

he is filled with inner peace

he wonders will his mark be walked on by followers of his kind that are brought on to this world

will his words, will they be known

will they see what he has sees?

question ponder into the deep night

taken flighs on birds to be released into the wind of exotic

smells and nature of undefined patterns

to which the lack of what we know

waterfalls, which hide hidden caves

he sits there and waits to watch and wonder

to walk the waters edge

carrie ann kawa  4/2005

THE UNKNOWN SOUL

I HAVE FALLING AND THE MEANING OF MY EXISTENT WAS...........
   THERE WAS A RHYTHEM , AN UNHOLY BEAT SUBMERGING
MY SOUL SEEMED SMALL AND I WAS NOTHING FOR A BRIEF MOMENT I SIGHED AND LOOKED UPON THE FACE OF ALL
      THE UNIVERSE WAS LAUGHING IN THIS INSTANCE , MY VERY MEANING BECAME COMPLEX AND MY SOUL WAS FULL OF THE MORE I SAW
KNOWLEDGE BECAME AWARNESS
I QUESTION AND ONLY A VOICE SOUNDED THE ANSWERS I HELD THGE TRUTH
  I MADE MYSELF INTO THE IMAGE OF .....I ....TRANSFORMING MY MEANING INTO SOMETHING STRANGE THE RHYTHEM AND THE RHYME OF LIFE HELD A BALANCE I WAS A TEMPLE
 I HAVE WALKED THE PATH OF MANKIND AND STILL FEEL OVERWHELMED BY MY COMPLEXITY
I HAVE FALLING AND THE SKY CAME TO MEET ME AND MY WINGS OUTSTRETCHED I FLEW OFF INTO THE COMING OF THE UNKNOWN SOUL

CARRIE ANN KAWA  6/2007

the bird that held a city

this is my bird, why, i do not know

these are the things i doodle ,child like, well most likly i am not an artist just a doodler of colors and words

and besides i wanted to get it back up on my blog and to all the dreamers out there hey sometimes you should wake up for a moment look outside and say to your self  life is not all that bad okay trust me i know what i am talking about next week thursday more poems old and new one called intrigued  some of you have already read that one and it made you feel odd and strange so it will be a rerun to that emotion and then an older one from some time in the pass  your guess is as good as mine

until we meet again in places of decay  goodnight -----------carrie

where is my empty ?

i had my desert the perfection of the nothingness, stillness of no wind

when it was , it became someting my soul knows and yet i cannot keep what is not mine.

i have walked thru my childhood it leads footprints into the strangeness of me

the heat of the day beats on me i know the truth of god of the perception of god

the hazy lines of heat are befor me like a deeping mirage of something meaningful

i lay down in the desert of empty to watch the sunset on old to rise to new

i am an adult child wanting to grow up into something worthy of my truth

the sand from the desert is my hourglass

the city displays itself builds itself up glittering in the sunshine, lights up the nights,but i knew my city when she was naked and cold

the moon in the middle of january was something i can never explain, rain fell that night i walked home in it so i can cry

my city understood my tears the heat of the day was brutal i needed it to be for may blasted my soul and left me in the refuge of sorrow

carrie ann kawa  7/7/2008

inspired by michael alex kawa   brother

i think it is very hard for people to understand how it was to grow up in las vegas they see the show girl vegas all glitter and gold some see tragic whore vegas that stands on the street and sells her soul to ever one

then there realigon vegas you see sin and virtue are friends day and night kind if thing

for me i see the places i grew up and i have seen them torn down my house i grew sorta up in is a parking lot off of 10th street right before charlston my schools are still there , i live in the aera i grew up in and i have moved so many times i can not count , in 5th grade i went to 6 schools if that tells you anything , my point and i do have one is that my home is every so changing the poem above was me seeing thru my brothers eyes on the sickness and death of are mother {now do not let that influence what you get out of my words you did not know my mom so it should not matter } me and mike walked back and forth to the hospital we had the money to take the bus ,but we chose not to we walk in our home we needed it when she died we walked , now for about a month or maybe a little longer i find out my dad has passed dose it change my anger towards him ---------nope { but it makes me reflect on my childhood and the things i find magic in i am proud to say i still find magic in and if that makes me sound stupid or inmature or what ever so be it there are too many cynical people out there they want to look at everthing in a way fine i too can be cynical but happiness is a chose so that is where i stand if you see me smiling its because no matter what life is dealing you and trust me not one day of my life has been easy i have to work at it {i just make it look easy } ther is always a little magic around in the empty.          later carrie

of not and me

near a church in the old part of town
a man blows smoke, it billows out of him, and a woman forms
sexually in an overt manner, provocative persuasion
content of a vixen
she mouths to him
i want to kiss you in places of decay
he stares at the statue of mother mary, and never trying to understand this strange
he whisk her away
he prays to all the saints to understand his temptation and yet he feels not delivered
in dreams she calls out to him, begging to be kissed
wanting him for the lack of himself in the moment of timeless conception
he wakes in cold sweats , not knowing this world anymore
he goes to places of decay graveyards and such and finds nothing but the silence that they keep
he goes to an abandon building of dilapidated substance
there she is waiting for him, in gossamer of white and sheer of a kind her hair flows with the subtitle movements of the wind
she speaks and yet he cannot hear her words
she is fading fast, and he leaps to catch her only to find his own death at her hands
we watch, and yet we do not understand and we still cannot look away

carrie ann kawa 11/05/2009/

inspired on the way to work saw something strange     ---------later carrie

trying to find me

i sit here and i ponder who am i ,  { am i the clown that ever one sees } am i the bussiness major ,  am i the poet that no one sees , for they think i lack in the words to express one self , i use to be a daughter that role was taken from me . or the mother { of a cat for 17 yers } but alas death took that from me , i am always the big sister , i still find myself , between life , and still everone sees what they want to see but do they see the embodedment of me an aspect of the abstract , some see me as young and some see me as old looks can be deceving , i am imature when i choose to and very mature when it calls for it . well i drenched you in my grey matter and left you wanted more pieces of me didnt i   i knew it you can not get enough of me ----kidding or am i    just me placed out there for you to see .  new poem on tuesday or two who knows


later-------------carrie

my face in the darkness

to which i am, to understand my self

reflects my faults

when light shines there is nothing here in this vast wasteland of thought

i roam here-- in soulless self to find my place, and yet i am not

in micro--movements of nonsense

trading in the sand, desert upon desert

my time is running away and yet i go slowly

glass shards lay at my feet; upon step by step i crush them

feet left bloody, i left tracks of myself for them to find me. open wound

it seems my enemies get stronger with my struggle

i closed my eyes the darkness inside my mind seems darker then before

i place my hands in front of me, reaching, reaching

mindful of the way

there is something out there in all of this

i see her in the distant

blurred in content, twisted in the wind of abstract

she is even in texture of mindful distant

to find out it is my reflection mirror cold to touch scrutinizing my own self awareness

my face in the darkness, light upon myself knees on the ground, words in motion

carrie ann kawa   10/31/2009

this one took me 5 min to write only my sub conscience knowes whats its about if any one else has an idea let me know other wise what ever you get out of my words is fine with me

i hope ever one had a fun halloween  

trick or treat  wonderwall    -----------later carrie   

he made me silent

touching me, releasing my soul

he gave me wings

whispering magic in the air

i am everything he aid i was

he worships' me

craving my eyes, face, voice, lips, touch

i crave him just as much

locked into each other stares

a cosmic connection of desire

we are music and poetry

beautifully formed evenly match

aggression and obsession

he takes his fingers over my body tracing out designs of faith

i am nothing without him he makes my soul complete

utopia is in his arms

kissing his fingers

silent i made him 

carrie ann kawa    10/1998

well this one is 11 yrs old from note book 15  when i first read through it i was like i do not remember writing this one , but i leave my self noted and i doodle near it all a dream if you saw my notebooks my doodles take a life of their own   .

well