understanding Mother

Understanding Mother

I found it snowing in my bedroom

A cold and distant winter, magnified by such emotions

She came in a dream: a long ago dream of memories in liquid color

Framed by images of the night moon eclipse by a solar system and storybook galaxies

She had a lullaby that played in the rhythm of her dreams

Dreams she denied herself, dreams that left as soon as she opened her eyes.. In the swirl of self hatred and Valium.

Understanding her was as complicated as deciphering an ancient ruins of a lost civilization with an obscured language of ancient riddles.

She loved someone I could not comprehend as human

Followed him to death door this time not to save him but to jump into the unknown abyss with him

Was there an unspoken love that I could not understand beneath the garbage of reality?

I was in a room littered with torn papers of a thousand years of suffering and suffering

Untold tales of loss was the tattoo she wore

She had crucifixes in her room as a child , with alcoholic rage outside her door and talking ballerinas’ of an opium dream

My mother was intelligent , beautiful, coy , witty  and out of her mind , as to suggest there was a way to go into her mind with lock doors and cages inside her mind’s eye

An artist that refused her craft, her music

Gave away in the hopes of normal, but lost herself

She was always searching for something she had no clue she was looking for

Herself

Carrie Ann Kawa

12/19/2012

eating the fly

Eating the fly

Songs played on the perpetual radio of life in the underground

Continuous motion of sound, static, buzzing and hymns of worship

You seem perplex almost unkind your smile is untrue as if you are a walking lie of selfish turnabout

You expected more? A church of followers’ hanging on your contradictions

You seems clownish now, a joke inside a joke who is playing whom

You try to ride a certain darkness that you are in capable of possessing for you lack the imagination of for thought; you’re a copy of a copy of a copy nothing original

The counter point at your side is the unoriginal dime store copy of fan favorite magazines’ all the words that are said have been said before …. As always and before

Boring is a life style that you have painted fine colors of life with , you gain no knowledge around you…. You just are uninvolved, unknown process of human amino acids… all the talk of children in make believe land.

Your colors bleed out in dullish grey even though you stand out like a peacock, in the landing fields of winter white

You have become ordinary, common and transparent as most humans normally do…

Vacant and lost  

Carrie Ann Kawa 9/20/12

the thought of something diffrent

I prayed to Orion the night you left me , i asked him to bring you back and i would accept the terms of your love
i prayed to the goddess the night i cryed a million tears for you , i sayed to her i never knew love like this and the pain was like a sharp wound
i looked so deep inside myself , i wanted to to leave you so far behind but i could not , this love is deep and there is no cure for my condition

you sent a hello , the joy that rushed me was overwhelming , i was not angry nor sad , bitter or mad just a strange happiness

my love for you has no bounds the depth i would reach for you .... my desire for , my body is yours my mind we both can enjoy and my soul is an   undiscoverd  country to journey through

2/22/2012  CARRIE ANN KAWA

FOR MY VIKING

i dont understand that look

this is a scene from presence , she was built so he can destroy her , because he didnt understand his feeling towards her an was afraid ---- robot carnival