understanding Mother

Understanding Mother

I found it snowing in my bedroom

A cold and distant winter, magnified by such emotions

She came in a dream: a long ago dream of memories in liquid color

Framed by images of the night moon eclipse by a solar system and storybook galaxies

She had a lullaby that played in the rhythm of her dreams

Dreams she denied herself, dreams that left as soon as she opened her eyes.. In the swirl of self hatred and Valium.

Understanding her was as complicated as deciphering an ancient ruins of a lost civilization with an obscured language of ancient riddles.

She loved someone I could not comprehend as human

Followed him to death door this time not to save him but to jump into the unknown abyss with him

Was there an unspoken love that I could not understand beneath the garbage of reality?

I was in a room littered with torn papers of a thousand years of suffering and suffering

Untold tales of loss was the tattoo she wore

She had crucifixes in her room as a child , with alcoholic rage outside her door and talking ballerinas’ of an opium dream

My mother was intelligent , beautiful, coy , witty  and out of her mind , as to suggest there was a way to go into her mind with lock doors and cages inside her mind’s eye

An artist that refused her craft, her music

Gave away in the hopes of normal, but lost herself

She was always searching for something she had no clue she was looking for

Herself

Carrie Ann Kawa

12/19/2012

eating the fly

Eating the fly

Songs played on the perpetual radio of life in the underground

Continuous motion of sound, static, buzzing and hymns of worship

You seem perplex almost unkind your smile is untrue as if you are a walking lie of selfish turnabout

You expected more? A church of followers’ hanging on your contradictions

You seems clownish now, a joke inside a joke who is playing whom

You try to ride a certain darkness that you are in capable of possessing for you lack the imagination of for thought; you’re a copy of a copy of a copy nothing original

The counter point at your side is the unoriginal dime store copy of fan favorite magazines’ all the words that are said have been said before …. As always and before

Boring is a life style that you have painted fine colors of life with , you gain no knowledge around you…. You just are uninvolved, unknown process of human amino acids… all the talk of children in make believe land.

Your colors bleed out in dullish grey even though you stand out like a peacock, in the landing fields of winter white

You have become ordinary, common and transparent as most humans normally do…

Vacant and lost  

Carrie Ann Kawa 9/20/12

the thought of something diffrent

I prayed to Orion the night you left me , i asked him to bring you back and i would accept the terms of your love
i prayed to the goddess the night i cryed a million tears for you , i sayed to her i never knew love like this and the pain was like a sharp wound
i looked so deep inside myself , i wanted to to leave you so far behind but i could not , this love is deep and there is no cure for my condition

you sent a hello , the joy that rushed me was overwhelming , i was not angry nor sad , bitter or mad just a strange happiness

my love for you has no bounds the depth i would reach for you .... my desire for , my body is yours my mind we both can enjoy and my soul is an   undiscoverd  country to journey through

2/22/2012  CARRIE ANN KAWA

FOR MY VIKING

i dont understand that look

this is a scene from presence , she was built so he can destroy her , because he didnt understand his feeling towards her an was afraid ---- robot carnival

the misery of me

THE MISERY OF ME

Knowing that I wonder and sit here and think, and think

In the trauma of my mind like an open wound

You have such a way that I don’t know if I am coming or going --- so easy to discard me

So easy to leave

Did you think it was going to be easy for me, no you did not think

That I got so attach that the moment I saw you , I knew  I just knew

I gave you all my heart and all my mind even the darkness of my jealousy, and my paranoia

I wanted you to know the darkness and the light; I wanted to give you all of me

You did not want me, you did not want me

The misery of me , is like a deep wound , tears fill ,

You left me with a --thank you for caring –

I did not just care , I love you and what does that phrase mean --- nothing to you

Another set of words that have no meaning of substance in your world

I was so easy to leave, no mess , no tears for you

Like taking off your surgical gloves and leaving the room, the blood of the day cleaned up by someone else

Just another face in the crowd that you will pretend not to know

A face filled with misery

Carrie Ann Kawa 12/31/11

Last poem of 2011 for Viking not like he is going to see , more for me I guess 

just me

the bugs in me

i would like to think i bring joy to peoples life and in the briefest moment i do believe they are happy , but i am one of those people that shine very bright and when you are use to the darkness in your own soul i can be a bit too much . Love is a funny thing no matter what  this bugs bunny is always thinking of Elmer  fudd if you knew it is  an awesome description of him so i want to refer to " i killed the rabbit " a beautiful opera of visual appeal " love to chuck Jones . see Elmer wanted bugs to die ..... in a way needed it like heroin to a junkie but he regretted it . so Merry Christmas     CAK 12/25/2011